


Things I Don't Understand

by NayruElric



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Action & Romance, Action/Adventure, Adventure & Romance, Aged-Up Character(s), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Awkwardness, Character Study, Childhood Trauma, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Romance, Exploration, First Dates, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Torture, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Romance, Post-Canon, Post-Chimera Ant Arc, Present Tense, Psychological Trauma, Romantic Friendship, Self-Destruction, Self-Discovery, Self-Harm, Sleepy Cuddles, Slice of Life, Suicide, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-02-17 06:02:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 40,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13070640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NayruElric/pseuds/NayruElric
Summary: Because no matter how much he tries to pretend he's not, Killua is still haunted by all the things he's done – and even more so, by the things he hasn't.Slow-burn romance. KilluGon.WARNING: graphic depictions of violence, trauma, and abuse.Read fullhere.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary:**  Because no matter how much he tries to pretend he's not, Killua is still haunted by all the things he's done – and even more so, by the things he hasn't.

* * *

**Things I Don't Understand**

* * *

Silver hair hugs his drool-stained cheeks as he rolls over, arms splaying out beside him. His nose wrinkles at the aroma of pine trees and cut grass – the grassy bed beneath him matted by his weight. Through the crack between his eyelids he can see people walking to and fro in the village across from the river where he sleeps. He groans and sits up, rolling his shoulders, joints popping into place. The sun is invisible underneath the gloomy cloud cover.

Killua is about to get up when another sighs behind him, and his eyes soften as he turns.  _Gon._

He takes his dark blue hoodie, grey pants, and purple spotted shoes from beside Gon's clothes and treads onto the cobblestone road. Being silent is easy. He doesn't want to awaken Gon.

The village is tiny, save for the staggering population – of which Killua glimpsed last night while perched on a tree branch above their grass bed, unable to sleep. The old woman selling bread at the entrance is surprised when he appears on the road – a foreigner in modern clothing, with white hair and pale skin so far into the country. Killua doesn't know which country this is and he's none too concerned about finding out.

Him and Gon have been drifting for about three months now, after Alluka… said she no longer wanted to travel with him. She wants her own life, away from their family… away from him. Gon was with him during that time, and offered to take Killua on an adventure to lift his spirits.

Killua isn't sure why. It's inevitable Gon will leave too, one day…

On the opposite side of the village, there's another cobblestone bridge crossing over the river. Before he can go across, giggling and scuffling startles him out of his trance. He turns around. A child with dark hair, grimy and untrimmed, plays around the hem of his mother's dress, but Killua forces himself to tear his eyes away.

About a half mile from the village, he splashes his face with water from the river, near-freezing against his skin. He shudders. It feels good. He was alone the last time he did this too – in East Gorteau, during the invasion by the Chimera Ants.

_Almost eighteen years…_

Oh yeah, it'll be his birthday soon, sometime next month. Gon already had his.

He remembers when reaching the age of fifteen sounded all so unlikely to him. He would have died of boredom, if nothing else, had he stayed with his family.

As he stares down at his hands pressed against the muddy riverbank, Killua's vision blurs. The running water disappears as he rips up handfuls of grass from the ground – instead, it's as if he's ripping apart flesh.

Sitting back against a tree, Killua clutches himself as he shakes. All else is but raucous clangor, echoing in his skull, pressing in on him from all sides as tears run down his face.

With sobs no louder than the running water, he's grateful when the gasps subside and he can see clearly again. Lately just thinking about them did this to him. He can't seem to make his tears stop…

If someone walked in on him like this –  _if Gon saw_  – just what would he say…?

They'd been together for years. Years, and it had never bothered him – not enough for him to have breakdowns at random, anyway… It isn't like everything his family has done is new. He's been away from them for years, so why…?

At this point, his mind feels too much like putty to be able to think anymore. He's successfully slipped away, back to the ignorant place where he's safest and doesn't have to think. It was just another breakdown – he's fine. Nothing he can't handle on his own.

Killua lingers for a moment, near the water, until the sounds of the forest have calmed his nerves enough to stand.

No, he can't let Gon know…

* * *

**~ Chapter 1 ~**

* * *

He flops over on the grass. The sun begins to peek between the clouds and pine needles above Gon's head, shining right into his eyes. There's an empty breeze to his left – no surprise there. Killua usually awakes before him.

Breathing in heavily, and pulling the heap of grass close to him, gradually, Gon sits up, rubbing behind his head. Killua's clothes are gone too.

He drags himself off the grass bedding and crawls to the edge of the river just beneath, dunking his head under. When he whips it up, he slicks back his spiked-up crown of hair with both hands, not quite as long as it once was. His morning routine surely hasn't changed.

When finished, he sits back with his elbows on his knees, waiting for the sun to dry him off…

Killua usually awoke before him… but lately, he's been going off by himself early too. It's only been happening for about the last about two months they've been traveling together, and not that often – it's likely Killua thinks he hasn't noticed. Gon doesn't know how to bring it up though. It isn't like there's any harm in Killua exploring a little by himself, but most nights, before they fall asleep, Killua's been… strange. Rather than the imaginative, talkative friend Gon had always been used to before Alluka's nihilistic approach toward the Zoldycks, now Killua seems distant. He gives Gon one-word replies, avoids his eyes, and falls asleep in ten minutes or less.

Come morning, once Killua returns, it's as if everything is back to normal.

Gon isn't sure whether to press the issue… It hadn't been like this very often when they were younger – not even after Killua almost offered himself to Nobunaga, nor during the war against the Chimera Ants. They had always had something to talk about, even if they were avoiding the issue. Why now, after everything?

 _There are a lot of things Killua doesn't tell me,_ Gon knows. For instance, Alluka told Gon how Illumi tracked her and Killua across continents as they tried to reach the hospital, how Killua had defied even Silva to get her off of the Zoldyck Estate.

_If Killua really wanted to tell me something…_

Gon stands, stretching each arm across his chest.

"Hey."

He smiles as he turns. "Hey, Killua."

Both of them are older, taller. Gon more muscular, Killua more slender – but muscular in his own respect. It suits him. Gon laments growing out of his green outfit, but they  _are_ technically adults now. Killua has been trying to teach him how to be more fashionable, but it's just too much work for him – a simple shirt, pants, and sweatshirt are all Gon needs.

Killua crouches down to dig through their bag – well, Gon's bag – while Gon asks, "Have you already checked out the area?"

"Yeah."

"Find anything interesting?"

"Not really. The river extends all the way to the mountains near the coast, and then it empties into the ocean. That's where we might find those caves you were talking about, but the locals say many Hunters have checked the area before and found nothing."

"Do you think our luck will be any better?"

"Who knows. For the love of – Gon, where'd you put the deodorant?"

"It should be in there."

"Well it isn't."

Killua's mouth becomes tauter the more he rifles through the yellow backpack. "Are you sure you didn't use it all?" he mumbles.

"I didn't think so…" Gon twiddles his fingers. "Killua, I was thinking…"

He doesn't look up from the bag. "Hm?"

"I think we should go back to Greed Island."

Though his head is halfway buried inside the smelly bag by now, Killua's eyes nearly bulge out of their sockets. With an elbow on one leg, he turns to Gon, bemused. "Hah?!"

"Yeah," says Gon with a finger in the air, "I really liked the atmosphere there. Traveling through the countryside has been nice, but we haven't really found anything worthwhile. I'd like to see what's become of Greed Island now that all the Bombers aren't skulking around. Don't you think it would be fun?"

Killua's lour expression doesn't faze Gon in the slightest. "Why on earth would we do that?"

"Well, why not?"

Killua hates that he can never win against Gon's logic. "If you're looking for another adventure, it's more likely we'll find one out here in the middle of nowhere. Eventually, anyway. It's been nearly five years since we completed Ging's game, but Greed Island is still packed to the gills with players who are trying to find a way home and players who have made lives there and decided to stay…"  _Do you want to go back to reminisce?_ Killua is tempted to ask.

"I know, I just think it'd be cool to see how things have changed, if at all."

Gon senses something else behind Killua's hesitation. He wants to ask, but he doesn't know how. Killua has already stood up and asked, "Are you sure?" by the time Gon has registered it, so he leaves it be.

"I'm sure," says Gon.

"Fine. Let's go after we check out the mountains. Just in case."

"Okay!"

Killua swings the backpack on his shoulder and together they walk down the road into the village. "Also, you have to figure out how to get us back to modern society. I have no idea where we are."

"Sure… Killua, may I use your cell phone?"

"No – WE HAVE NO SERVICE, YOU DUMBASS!"

* * *

**~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

Gon and Killua have been traveling on one of the large islands bordering the country of Sahelta, where outcropping towns and villages are scattered, like the one they had been near earlier. Coincidentally, the mountain-ocean path is in the direction of another town. As it turned out, there  _are_ caves in the mountains once full of treasures, but they've been all but pillaged now, until all that was left were a few dusty coins.

The journey has been the perfect divertimenti after the Alluka fiasco, but both Gon and Killua figure it's about time they get back to doing something constructive with themselves, and what better place to train than Greed Island?

Buildings spring up around them like tiny cliffs, and the weather becomes warmer as the clouds disintegrate throughout the day. Lunch consists of a leisurely meal of avocado rolls at a place called Aunt Momo's – where you can buy a full barrel of peaches for only 700 Jenny. Gon wants to buy one – because  _"Who doesn't love peaches?"_  to which Killua yells, "NOT THAT MANY!" – so Killua drags Gon out by his shirt after hastily paying the bill. Gon pouts beside him until they can feel the spray of the sea on their faces. "Ah! Look, Killua! The dock's this way –!"

"Wait, Gon." Killua's hand lingers on Gon's tan arm.

"What is it?"

"Let's not rush. We're still supposed to be traveling at our own pace, right?"  _After everything that's happened… I don't want to march headlong into another adventure just yet._

After all the time they had spent apart, and all that had come between them, Alluka, and the others…  _Yeah, Killua's right._  "Sure. Wanna look through the gift shops?"

Killua stifles a grin as he stuffs his hands in his pockets. "Lead the way." Killua doesn't care if Gon charges on ahead, as long as he's allowed to go with him through  _all_ of it this time. If Gon wants to ignore everything in the past, or talk it out… just as long as they're near each other, Killua doesn't mind. Besides, they already promised each other they wouldn't let  _that_ happen again.

The scene is quite reminiscent to Killua – and they aren't even halfway to Greed Island yet. He chuckles to himself. Really, it is just like old times… if only.

A dark figure lands in between them from above. Neither of them have been training much the past months they've been together, focusing more on getting back to the sympatico they once had.

Gon, too focused on what's in front of him, doesn't realize until it's too late. His reaction time has decreased tremendously. Killua's certainly rusty himself, but his limbs are already moving. His fingernails elongate and he crouches into a jumping position before launching forward with violent speed, not unlike their feline foe from long times ago. The figure falls to the ground with a deafening thud – Gon has turned and sees now. Killua is standing back up. Gon's eyes are wide, but the image is so, so blurry to Killua. More figures appear between them and behind them, and Killua moves again, robotic. The figures behind Gon have him in a vise grip and are pulling him, thrashing, into the adjacent alleyway. Killua cuts through every figure that appears between them, unthinkingly.

"KILLUA! KILLUA, DON'T –!"

"Be quiet, brat," a voice hisses. "We aren't here for you –!"

Gon doesn't listen. He yanks on the arms of the burly men holding him. Usually Gon's strength would be at worst matched with any adult, but there's something else keeping him in place, like a glove around his body. "Let go of me!" he cries in anger.

Killua doesn't come to until he has eliminated every other enemy and sees the short javelin in the hand of the man holding Gon, pointing it at Gon's throat. Killua halts midstep. Any move will not be quick enough. He doesn't have the time to activate Godspeed. Their enemy will surely move before he can. "What do you want?!" Killua demands. His voice rattles like that of a furious snake, worse than he's ever heard it.

"I got a tip from a buddy of mine who said you'd be here. Your family is looking everywhere for you. I'm sure the bounty on your head is enough to set a guy up for three lifetimes."

"Too bad," Killua shouts at him. "I'm not going back no matter what."

The man smiles, meretricious. "If you don't come with me, I'll kill him."

Killua knows, even with a lack of training these past months, Gon should be able to break free from the man on his own. The fact that he hasn't already must mean one of two things: He wants to hear what the man has to say first, or there's something physically stopping him from doing so. Gon's eyes are clamped shut and he's panting; sweat beads on his forehead as he tries to pull himself free. Using Gyo, Killua sees the man's aura has snuffed out Gon's. He's slowly sapping away Gon's life energy. If Killua waits too much longer –

"Wait, Killua, don't kill him," Gon sputters, sensing bloodlust.

Killua freezes in place.  _Why not?_ Killua's unsure to what Gon's thinking.  _Maybe he has another plan after all?_ But when Gon's gaze connects with his… oh…

Killua's arms and legs feel stiff from his swift movements before, but he's trembling. He refuses to look down at his hands as they clench into fists, dripping with warm blood.

"What's this?" the man yells. "Don't tell me you're surprised! Don't you know your friend here is the most promising assassin in the Zoldyck Family? He's a murderer, born and bred to kill –!"

"Shut up!" Gon screams. "Killua, you don't have to kill him – he's just trying to manipulate y –!"

"Yeah, right, a murderer like him won't even think twice about it!" counters the man.

"Killua, don't listen to him –"

"With how many he's killed, why, I'm only a drop in the bucket!"

"Killua –!"

"WHICH IS IT GOING TO BE, ZOLDYCK?!"

With both of them shouting at him, the same throbbing fills Killua's head – the one pounding with despair, anguish, hatred, and a smothering, selfish love. He can't take it.

Gon feels the hold on him release, and he shoves the man away – only to find him a now headless corpse. Gon gasps and he hears the head fall somewhere behind him as blood sprays his face. The world closes around him like the Nen that had just been holding him. He falls on his knees, weak from – from what he's just witnessed. The blood on his cheeks vaguely stings, and then Killua is there, beside him.

"Gon, are you –?" Killua stops, seeing his outstretched hand.  _No…_

Killua turns it.

… _There's blood._

He raises his other hand.

_More blood._

He looks down at his clothes.

_So much blood…_

Gon watches him in a mix of confusion and shock. His brow is tight, yet his amber eyes are uncomprehending. He can't seem to move.

The man's words run through Killua's mind. He smirks sadly as tears spill into his eyes.

 _Yeah…_   _I'm just a murderer after all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Author's Note: I feel like the reunion idea has been overdone and personally I would like to see how Togashi does it before anyone else – if he does it at all; that man is tricky when it comes to giving the fans what they want. Anyway, I wanted to write something sometime after the series ends and I've had this idea rolling around in my head for a while, inspired by various discussions with my muse. I have absolutely no clue how far this could go as of right now. Since I haven't been able to write in so long, this was the idea that most caught my attention (out of many).
> 
> [Edit (5/16/2018): Wow, it's been a while since I wrote this chapter! I just want to let all readers know that this chapter is meant to be vague as per how the story unfolds later on, so I encourage you to stick with it just a few more chapters before you decide whether or not to commit yourself, as its vagueness was surely my intention. Cheers!]
> 
> I hope you liked it! Please don't forget to tell me your thoughts below~


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The tagging system is actually really helpful!
> 
> [Full story](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12361223/1/Things-I-Don-t-Understand).

**~ Chapter 2 ~**

* * *

A vignette-like scene paints the alleyway before him. Crimson blood swims into stone; the man's decapitated body and head, frozen with fear, teeter in the background; other body parts are strewn about the area, in a trail leading back onto the street…

Such a thing once left him brimming with delight. Now there's only a panging sickness in his gut, reaching from his pounding skull all the way down to his trembling toes.

Gon is still on the ground, watching him, blood sprinkled on his cheeks. Something is wrong. Killua isn't moving, just staring at his hands.

When tears spill down his ashen cheeks, Gon snaps out of his trance. He takes hold of Killua's dark blue sleeve just as he's turning away. "Wait, Killua, I know you didn't mean to…"

Gon's words, coupled with the innocent confusion and  _sympathy_  of all things on his face – like the twelve-year-old boy he once knew – only makes Killua's stomach churn with guilt. He yanks his arm vehemently away. "Don't you get it, Gon?! I killed him!"

"No, you must have thought there was no time," Gon assures impossibly. "You wouldn't have killed him unless there was no other choice –"

"There are a hundred other ways I could have made him let you go," Killua interrupts. "But I… I took the easy way out. Because I'm… I'm still… a coward!"  _I'm just a murderer!_  Killua isn't sure whether he said the last part aloud or not.

Gon is shaking his head slowly. Denial. "No, it's your family's fault –"

The tears that stained Killua's face are irrelevant now. He's too angry to feel sorry for himself. "Stop it, Gon! How can you say that?! How can you try to justify murder when you're the one who made me realize it wasn't right in the first place?!" Killua stops at the shock on Gon's face. His head lowers as he turns away, white bangs over his eyes. "I don't know how you can say such things."

Gon is standing now, shoulders hunched, arms limp. His strength was sapped by the Nen that engulfed his body earlier, but the blood on his face and on Killua's trembling fists is proof enough that this isn't a time for weakness. "What do you mean 'how you can say such things'?!" Gon bursts. Uncontrollably, his hands clench into fists as he stumbles forward.

His hands roughly take hold of Killua's shoulders and spin him around, and Killua braces himself for the punch he feels in Gon's reignited, furious aura, clamming his eyes shut. He knows he deserves it.

But Gon's strong arms are around him, squeezing Killua so hard he can barely see or breathe. "You aren't a murderer… You're my best friend!" Gon splutters. His voice cracks, on the verge of tears, and the pressure of his arms around Killua's body isn't letting up. Killua feels sobs rising his throat from the warmth spreading in his gut. From all the times he's snuck off and hidden from Gon, including before…

Before Killua can push him away, his blood-stained hands are clenched on Gon's back and he's babbling like a child. "I'm sorry! I was so scared – and then I moved without thinking!"

Surprised by the sudden outburst, Gon stands motionless as Killua cries into his shoulder.

Something tells him… those early morning strolls weren't purely for exploration after all…

Quickly, Killua moves away, gasps ceasing, feverishly wiping his face. Gon's hands remain on Killua's shoulders. He speaks in a gentle albeit tenuous voice. "After what happened in NGL, we promised we wouldn't hide things from each other anymore, remember? You made me promise."

"…Yeah," Killua grunts quietly, trying his best to sound normal, wiping the tears that leak from his eyes.

"That stands for you too," says Gon.

Killua nods, but he avoids Gon's gaze, too embarrassed by the red skin around his eyes.

Gon frowns, reminded how Killua had gone completely ballistic on him not three weeks after they reunited…

They'd been spending more time together – sans Alluka, who had been encouraging them to do so, in fact – when after a day of exploring the evergreen forests of the valley that skirted the town they were settled in, they sat down by a waterfall. They'd frolicked around the trees all day, giggling and shouting, as they had on Whale Island. Killua seemed to be really enjoying himself, and he seemed happy then, just sitting by the water…

After a time of hearing the waterfall's waves crash against the rocks and the susurrus reverberations of the forest – smelling the pleasant, damp air – abruptly, Killua stood up, and without saying a word headed back in the direction of the town.

By the time they reached the edge of the forest, a bright full moon was visible. Killua stopped dead in his tracks. Gon came to a stop behind him on the path.

"You know, Gon, I… I'm glad we've been able to hang out again like this."

Gon blinked. They'd already said this, over and over again. They were glad to be together. But Gon didn't mind saying it again. "Me too, Killua."

"I mean, I'm… glad… that all that's happened… hasn't changed the fact that we're friends." It was difficult to see his expression from this angle in the shadowy moonlight, but Gon could guess it well enough. Killua's shoulders were curved in, chin down. Gon's cheeks lit with a smile.

"Of course not, Killua. You're my best friend!" he exclaimed cheerfully, grinning at the back of Killua's head. "There's nothing that will change that."

Killua turned around. His silver hair reflected the tepid clair de lune before Gon's eyes. "No, I meant…" Killua dropped his shoulders, and the flustered edge to his voice vanished as he continued. "I… was really scared, after what happened… I was scared… that I would never see you again… that I had failed so horribly as your friend that you were… beyond the point of helping."

It was all he said, but Gon figured Killua was glad the moonlight disguised his face now. "I'm sorry," Gon said, ashamed.

"No, stop apologizing!" Killua lashed out. He threw his arms out as he trod toward Gon. Up close, Gon saw the frustration, fear, and regret on Killua's face. His fingers dug into Gon's shoulders. "I was the one who was a shitty friend when you needed me most, so you better stop apologizing for it, okay?!"

Gon could hardly stand having Killua's steady blue eyes fixated so intently upon him. He diverted his own. "…Killua, I already know you're sorr –"

"No, Gon, stop."

He glanced fearfully back at Killua. His expression was unbelievably strained.

"Please, let me say this… once, at least. When you were in that state… in the hospital… and I saw you lying there… your face covered in bandages… hooked up to all those IVs… a breathing mask on your face… and then… when I took your hand… you…" He was trembling. The distress painted all over his face worked to break the stoic shell he always put up, a watery film of conflict shielding his irises. "Please, _I'm_ the one… who should be sorry."

Gon hadn't wanted to see Killua like that. Not ever. But his own emotions came bursting out of him like a tidal wave. He'd started wailing so loudly, startling Killua so badly that his own tears spilled down his face.

Gon just hugged him, wailing, crying, shouting. If he was saying something, he couldn't tell, and Killua couldn't understand him. When Killua placed his arms around him, Gon sank to the ground, refusing to let go. Bathed by the quiescent moonlight, they stayed that way…

After a time, the jerks of his body became less, and his sobs quieted. Killua took him by the arms. "Don't ever face something like that on your own again, okay?"

His voice was severe, but his expression revealed just how hard it had been for him to maintain his usual composure. Gon nodded. "I got it."

"I want you to promise me," demanded Killua.

Wiping his eyes, Gon looked at him closer. Now the determination in Killua's face was hard as stone. "Promise me you won't ever cast aside your own life like that again."

So taken aback by the intensity of the request, Gon said nothing. Tears continued to run down his cheeks.

Killua said, "If you can't promise me that, then I… we…" Killua sucked in a deep breath. Whatever was on his mind was making it difficult to speak. This perplexed Gon, but Killua's voice broke when he spoke again. "I can't do it, alright?!" His determination broke into fear, and there were tears in his eyes again as he took Gon's hands into his own. "So promise me!"

"I-I promise," Gon stammered, his cheeks pink from Killua's fingers clenching the backs of his hands. He forced himself to look Killua in the eye, to know that he meant it.

The trace of a smile played across Killua's lips, only momentarily. "Now, if you break that promise, you're gonna get it, okay?"

"Okay."

Briefly, Killua's arms closed around his shoulders again, too quick for Gon to react. The moment was short, but Killua's arms were firm, his face close enough for Gon to feel the immense sigh of relief Killua breathed onto his neck.

As they walked back to the town, they'd spoken quietly about this and that, a kalonous glow haloed between them.

And, somehow, Killua's fingers found their way to Gon's.

But that was the only time.

When the moon disappeared, giving way to a vibrant, golden dawn, they were back at the hotel.

That had been six months ago.

Afterward, things were even more relaxed between them, gradually falling together… but Alluka seemed to have taken that as a sign. More and more, she acted standoffish toward Killua. At fifteen, having been away from the Zoldycks for three years, Gon knew Killua didn't blame her for wanting to be on her own – he knew better than anyone how she felt. But the blow took a toll on him that Gon never anticipated. Every day that Alluka went off on her own, Killua seemed more and more like a stray cat – a mother who'd lost her newborn, had nowhere to go, nothing to do. It was the least Gon could do to offer to go adventuring with him. That way, they could get away from Alluka and the others – as she was staying with Bisky, Palm, and Ikalgo now – and focus on seeing the world.

It had been fine like that for these past three months, though Killua disappeared for many hours in the mornings. Or so Gon had hoped, anyway…

Now, covered in blood before his eyes, Killua avoids him. "I want you to mean it," he says, repeating what Killua said to him at that time.

Killua's eyes flicker to Gon's face, seeing the candid austerity there. And the flecks of drying blood on his cheeks… He sighs, and Gon's hands follow his shoulders up and back down.

"Killua, you told me never to shut you out again, to let you help me… right? I always thought it was supposed to be mutual…"

Again, Killua sighs. "I…"

They're still the same height, which Gon feels stupid for noting at a time like this. Something about the emptiness in Killua's eyes reminds him of the past…

Gon's hands drop back to his sides. This isn't going anywhere.

Killua looks up, at the hard expression on his best friend's face. Gon's features are sharper than before. His brow is more defined and high cheekbones jut across his face, but his soft gold-brown eyes and round cheeks still belong to the boy Killua befriended six years ago.

"If you can't tell me yet, that's okay," Gon says. "But don't ever let it get to this point again. Got it?" Killua nods, which Gon takes as the best answer he can get right now. The smell of freshly dead bodies in the alleyway has begun to stab his nose. Someone from the crowd in the market square not too far from here will soon notice. "Come on."

Tentatively, Gon takes Killua's hand. This seems to bring him back from the safe place in his mind he'd locked himself in.

Softly, Gon guides him out of the darkness.

* * *

**~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

On a vessel back to Sahelta, Gon books a room for them. Killua used the unstained backside of his sweatshirt to hide the blood on the front of his grey pants while on deck – the kills were messy because of how out of practice he is.

In the shower, Killua hangs the clothing articles under the running water and watches the tiny tributaries of crimson seep into the drain between his feet. He inspects his fingers as dried brown hemoglobin washes away, using the bathroom's complementary sponge to scrub underneath them. It's been so long since he's used his sharp nails, his fingertips feel rheumatic now.

Killua laces his fingers in his snow-white hair as he leans against the wall beneath the showerhead. He'd finally allowed Gon to see him that way – to watch him tear through flesh, bone, and  _logic_  in order to pacify the pounding urge for death in his head. Killua's sure he hacked the dark figures to pieces, in such a panic to get to Gon, switched back to… that time. They had heard the strangled screams of the men and women who were unlucky enough to stumble upon the macabre scene. He wishes he could take it all back.

 _I removed Illumi's needle over three years ago,_  Killua thinks, but at times he still feels its residue effect – as though it's still there, taunting him.

When he exits the shower in the black T-shirt and loose pair of grey pajama pants he had packed away in Gon's yellow bag, Gon is already laying on the bed. Having showered first on Killua's insistence – seeing Gon covered with blood was just too much for Killua to bear, especially after the explosion that nearly obliterated them both – Gon's spiky wet hair is pressed upright against the bedcovers. He's also grinning at Killua, holding the newest model of the beetle phone above his face. "Killua, we finally have service again!"

"That's good."

"Yep!" Gon turns back to tapping his phone screen as Killua blinks stupidly. Seating himself on the other side of the bed, he ruffles through his hair with a towel.

The passenger vessel rocks back and forth with unstable movement. Killua can see dark waters rippling past in one of the two large portholes parked halfway up the wall. The room itself makes Killua wonder if they're in a five-star hotel. The couches are covered by velvet intricately woven with swirly flower designs, the carpet is entwined by dulcet wool, and the bedsheets are made of soft, fine silk. There are even bedside tables and a chest of drawers made of mahogany, and the paintings hanging on the walls don't look like recreations. Their porcelain bathroom was large and brightly-lit too…

Usually they chose whichever shabby room was available and that was it. Killua doesn't realize he's watching Gon play on his beetle phone until Gon glances at him.

"What is it?" Gon asks.

"…Aren't you gonna say anything?"

"About what, Killua?"

Killua fumes silently at the cluelessness in his voice. "You know, about… what happened. In the town…"

His voice trails off and Gon flicks off his phone screen, sitting up on the bed, cross-legged. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Gon's face is blank, so Killua stutters, "Well, no, I just – thought maybe you'd… want to ask…? If not, then never mind." He turns away as he continues to wipe himself off with the towel, but Gon stays in place, watching him.

"Killua, I am… angry that you killed them."

This catches Killua off-guard, and he spins around to see Gon's expression, but Gon isn't glaring at him. There's only conflict in his face as he folds his hands in his lap. Killua waits to hear what else he has to say.

"But, I still don't… think it was entirely your fault."

"But I did kill them, Gon. Whether it was my fault or not, I'm still the one who did it, in the end."

"I guess… I guess I don't entirely understand, then."

Gon is looking at him with that stupid sympathy again. Killua can hardly take it. "Understand what?"

"How… why you still feel like you have to do that… kill people…"

"That doesn't really change the fact that those people are dead, does it?" Killua mutters.

"No, but I –"

"Hey, you're the one who told me killing was bad to begin with!" Killua shouts at him. "Why're you trying to justify my actions?! It makes no sense – I can't stand it! From the time I was born, I was a murderer – that's just the way it was. Nothing can change that! You've always despised anyone who goes against your goody-two-shoes moralities, and yet now you're quick to justify mine?! You can't do that…!" Killua's voice fades as he leans forward, a hand on his forehead. "Please, I can't… take it!"

"Killua, I'm not trying to justify it, I just want to understand."

"What is there to understand?" Killua chokes out, not moving. "I murdered twenty men in cold blood right before your eyes! How can you still… not be afraid of me…?"  _How can you still be my friend? How did you ever become my friend?_

Gon exhales in exasperation. "I don't know, please just – just stop talking for a minute, okay? I just want to understand why, but I can't if you don't tell me anything." Gon sucks in an orphic breath, which catches Killua's attention. His next words make him turn around. "For example, Alluka… told me how much trouble you went through to get her to the hospital for me. I never knew that before. Why didn't you tell me?"

Killua gives a furtive shrug. "I-I dunno – I couldn't find a time to mention it."

"And what about you disappearing in the morning?" Gon asks keenly.

"…What?"

"Did you think I didn't notice? What have you been doing, going off by yourself every morning?" Gon's voice is barely louder than a whisper.

Killua gulps. "I was just scouting ahead –"

"Were you?" His eyes are dark and bore into Killua, who lets out a sharp exhale. "Killua, please…"

"I…" The words are on the tip of his tongue, right there in the front of his mind: _I don't know what's happening to me. It's like my past has finally caught up to me. I find myself crying whenever I'm alone. I don't know why it's suddenly affecting me now. It was never like this before._  He just can't say it.

Palpably, the mood drops when he says, "I can't wait until we get to Greed Island."

"Killua…"

Killua clenches his teeth as he turns toward Gon, leaning forward on the bed. "Gon, I…!" The words shatter in his mouth. He can't say anything that will ease the betrayal on Gon's face.

Gon knows pushing it will only make it worse. He pulls back the covers and sticks his legs inside, laying down on his back. After a moment, Killua throws his towel aside and turns off the light. They've slept in the same bed many times by now, but only a few times has Gon let his feelings overwhelm him enough to move closer.

Tonight, Gon can't seem to get comfortable no matter what, with the day's events rousing his mind. Amidst the darkness, he hears Killua's breaths still shuddering with alertness as well. "Killua," he whispers.

"Idiot, go to sleep," the other murmurs.

"I can't…"

Killua cracks open his eyes – piercing sapphires – as he faces Gon, who's wide awake. Those blue gems disappear again when Killua sighs sleepily.

Hearing the sloshing waves against the vessel's sides, Killua reaches forward and grabs hold of Gon's arms. Instinctively, Gon draws Killua closer, wrapping his arms around his chest. Killua's hands rest on Gon's back.

At the sound of Killua's heartbeat singing against his eardrums, drowsiness instantly consumes Gon.

"I've missed being able to talk to you at night, Killua," Gon says.

"Go to sleep," he mumbles. Then perhaps, Killua thinks, too far from Gon's consciousness, he whispers, "Me too…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Author's Note: I actually wrote this chapter two weeks ago, but I wasn't satisfied with it, so I decided to wait and edit it. I had today off due to the junior and sophomore classes taking the ACT!
> 
> I hope you'll leave your thoughts below~


	3. Chapter 3

**~ Chapter 3 ~**

* * *

Water trickles in his ears.

While the moon's saccharine glow floats on the surface, he remembers it raining – a soft drizzle wept from the sky. He was under the awning of an abandoned building. Gon was there too, shuffling his damp boots against the concrete. They had watched the light downpour quietly. In silence, except for the irenic sounds of nature…

The moon hides behind passing nimbus clouds, gliding gently over the white disk, obscuring its light until it rays out again, creating ultramarine scintillas on the briny seawater. Killua can't help but grin at the memory. There isn't anything terribly special about it, but that's what makes it so special to him. His hands clench on the railing as he leans over the passenger vessel, and he feels biting wind in his face as he closes his eyes, standing taller. At times, with the rocking motion of the vessel, it feels like he'll fall over into the ocean until he jerks himself back.

He enjoys that feeling more than he would like to admit – of being on the edge, able to topple one way or the other. It kept him alive.

_Not anymore._

Silver eyes open to glare out at the vacuous sea.

No, now he feels he's in limbo, too grounded in reality to be able to escape in the childish play of malicious murder.

He knows it's wrong. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he always knew it was wrong. That never really mattered though. He enjoyed doing it because… well, he could. He could overpower others, even adults – even martial artists who had trained their entire lives – and wipe out their miserable ambition just like that. It brought him joy.

Death doesn't care how long someone has trained or how long they've already lived. Death is unforgiving. If you know which buttons to press, you can make anyone fall to their knees. Killua was simply their wake-up call, the death bringer, able to manipulate others at will, make them beg for their tiny lives – and through that, he'd had control.

That was what was running through his mind when he killed Bodoro – right? Just to overpower someone because – because he'd just felt so powerless against… his real enemy.

The Zoldycks.

 _But I'm away from them now…_ Killua's head rotates upward, to the swirling nimbus clouds above.  _So why…?_ Why does it still haunt him, that urge for death?

Is this his punishment for all he's already done?

It would make sense. To think of how many he's killed… and how many he has yet to kill. He can try to justify it as he was protecting his friends – Alluka, Gon, Ikalgo, the team…  _It doesn't matter._  As long as he lives, he hopes the hammering torture of his mind never leaves him, only that he can truly leave his life of assassination behind, and stop killing. He thought he had, but… real life isn't that forgiving, it would seem.

Twelve years of death, of playing God, of playing ego… the very thing he had accused Gon of doing, only to find that wasn't the case at all. How can he excuse himself? He doesn't deserve repentance.

…Why does that memory come to mind?

A peaceful rainfall, a cold, lonely day – yet he hadn't felt cold or lonely at all…

He's about to turn back inside when he spots the figure at the corner of his eye. He was so enraptured by his thoughts that he hadn't even noticed. Killua grins in congratulation of the other's sneakiness, but Gon interrupts his thoughts.

"Why are you out here by yourself?"

The strenuous tone of Gon's voice takes Killua by surprise, but he chooses to ignore it. "I just needed to think a little," he answers smoothly. Going over to him, Killua places a hand on Gon's broad shoulder. "Let's go back to sleep."

Gon looks ready to shake it off, but again Killua ignores the chaw in his eyes. He's halfway across the deck when he realizes Gon isn't following him.

"Please stop avoiding me."

Killua's grin vanishes as he turns around.

"I don't know why you won't tell me what's actually going on," Gon says, his voice low but clear. "Do you… really not trust me, even after all this time…?"

"Look, I don't want to burden you or anyone with my problems, all right?" says Killua dismissively. "It's my problem, so don't worry about it –"

"But I don't want this to continue, you disappearing when I'm not awake!" Gon shouts. His fists are shaking. When his gaze finally lifts, Killua fears the reflective substance in his eyes… Tears? "I don't want you to keep killing people, Killua… I don't get it!" Gon cries out, clutching his head. "But how can you think this is okay…?!" The shrillness in his voice lowers, and the anger fades away, replaced by his fat tears rolling down his cheeks, stabbing the corners of his eyes.

Quickly, Killua says, "Gon, I know it isn't okay –"

"No, I'm not talking about killing," Gon interrupts weakly, scrubbing his face with one arm as fast as he can. "I'm talking about… you hiding things from me. How can you expect me to trust you when you don't trust me…?"

Anything Killua was about to say no longer holds any meaning. He watches as Gon falls to his knees, holding his face, having finally said it.

After that time six months ago, when Killua had confronted him demanding the same thing, maybe he'd taken too much meaning from that… maybe it had just been words to Killua. Maybe Killua had only meant for him to trust him if it was a dire necessity… Maybe… he'd just been touchy while Alluka was still in his good graces because he was happy, but now that she was gone…

Killua moves closer, crouching to Gon's level. "Gon, I'm really sorry…"

The boy's confusion and tear-filled face wrenches Killua's heartstrings from his chest, stealing the breath from his lungs. Every time Killua thinks he can do this, he really can't. "I'm trying to be a better person," Killua says softly, "but clearly it isn't working…"

Gon wants to take him in his arms and assure him he's wrong, that it's his own fault for being selfish for so long, too caught up in his own ignorance to ask Killua, but he's too afraid.  _Why does it always end up like this?_  Gon wonders.  _With me crying instead of him?_  His fingers are trembling at his takes his hands again, but Gon shakes him away, grabbing Killua's wrists a little too tightly. "Please, don't shut me out. I want to help you, if I can…"

Killua's heart skips a beat from the pressure of Gon's fingertips commanding attention on his wrists, from the familiar warm lilt of his voice… It was always times like these when his cheeks steamed up and he'd find himself completely astounded – for how could someone be so kind to him? How could one person change his world by simply being his friend? Despite what he is…

The same spark dazzles Killua now, heightening the world in detail – the wooden deck beneath their bare calloused feet, the black clouds swirling up above and dark waters lapping against the vessel down below, the twinkling stars and shimmering moon… the hairs on his arms standing up on-end in the cool ocean breeze… what he's feeling right now…

Killua's heart is pounding, fighting for recognition. But Gon's expression is only shy, and sorrowful. That isn't what this is supposed to be about. No, he can't do anything.

Eventually, Gon frees Killua's wrists and looks down in his lap. Killua longs again for his touch. Even something as small as that shot him back into the past… or did it bind him to the present?

"Gon, you're the person I trust most," Killua avers slowly. Gon looks up, watching him in a certain fascination. Slightly annoyed at what a vagary Gon makes of himself, Killua presses on. "I'm just… not used to this."

Gon's eyebrows fall. "Not used to what?"

"Any of this."

"…What?"

"You know," Killua mutters embarrassedly. "T-talking about feelings – and stuff."

"Oh…" Gon thinks for a moment. Tilting his head and smiling shyly, he poses it as a question. "Neither am I?"

 _Then why are you so good at it?!_ Killua retorts.  _Then why does being around you… make me wish I_ could  _say these things…?_

"So… what do you want to do…?" Killua asks in a small voice. The despondence of Gon's tearful expression still hasn't left his mind. Three times now he's made Gon cry like that. Maybe the time six months ago was unavoidable, but the others…  _Why can't I just tell him?_ Killua caviles angrily.  _Tell him what's been going on… not just lately, but since before…_

Gon's eyes fall from Killua's face. He looks like he's struggling with something, the same kind of calculated expression he uses when they're in a tough spot.

"I don't know," Gon says abruptly. "It's late. I just want to go back to sleep."

Killua swoops down on him in irritation. "When I suggested the same thing you told me to stop avoiding you!"

"Well I've changed my mind now," Gon says simply, standing. His eyes are tired, which keeps Killua from pressing any further. "I wouldn't be able to focus on anything you're saying anyway, so let's just call it a night… 'kay?" Gon smiles exhaustedly and then yawns, doddering toward the door. Killua wonders if he thinks that he's already forgotten…

He can't let Gon know… that's what he's always told himself. "Gon has enough on his plate." "Gon doesn't need to be burdened by this." "I can do this on my own."

Yet now…

…That fact was causing Gon distress…?

Killua shakes his head, ducking out of the moonlight.

* * *

**~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

He sits up, scratching the back of his neck. When he focuses in on the room, he realizes the spot beside him is vacant.  _Gon's giving me a taste of my own medicine, eh?_ He stands and stretches his arms over his head.

Gon bursts from the bathroom. "I've figured it out!"

Killua stops mid-stretch. "Huh? Figured what out?"

Before Gon can say anything, the vessel thuds to a halt. There's static over the loudspeaker. "This is your captain speaking. We've arrived on the Yorbian Continent." She rattles off information regarding the climate, time of day, and the area's most popular tourist attractions while Gon zips up their bag and slings it over his shoulder. When the captain's voice shuts off with a click, Gon says, "We'll start by searching for the nearest airport."

As they walk across the deck to the loading dock, Gon explains, "We'll ask one of the flight captains to fly us over Greed Island and drop in from above! That way we won't be spotted by any of the Game Masters, and even if we are, I'm sure they'll let us stay since, you know, we beat the game following the rules the first time."

Checking the nearest information desk of the oceanside town, Gon and Killua learn that the next airport is over fifty-five miles away. They agree they'd prefer to walk the distance than be crammed in a stuffy bus, even if it's only for a few hours. At the nearest supermarket, Gon loads his bag with apples, toadstools, and two slabs of raw fish – with some flint to strike a fire.

The walk down the countryside takes them farther and farther from the sea, and each hour they take a turn carrying Gon's bag. The charmolypi winds rustle the tall yellow grasses surrounding them and Gon's black hair, Killua's white bangs… Scarcely a car drives past. Only scarecrows mark their passing, crickets and bluebirds accompanying them with doleful singsong. Killua is finding this all relaxing yet also very strange – Gon hasn't mentioned last night at all. The peace is nice but they aren't walking side-by-side, something feels off – maybe he should say something…?

"Killua, how are you feeling?"

In spite of the simplicity of the question, Killua is beside himself with stress. "U-uh, fine. And y-you?"

Gon snorts at his nervousness, which Killua tries to resent him for – until Gon gives him that toothy smile. "Great, actually. I'm really glad we're together. I just wish…" Gon's hands tighten on the straps of his backpack and he finds himself studying the foliage of the forest on the edge of the yellow grass, a few hundred feet away.

"You wish…?" Killua prompts.

Gon looks back at him, his eyebrows furrowed. "I don't know. I've always liked spending time with you, wherever we are… whatever we're doing. I don't know why… it bothers me so much that you hide things. Shouldn't being together be enough…?"

Killua can tell he's more thinking aloud.  _He's so careless!_ Killua could never say such things so openly, without a care who heard. Then again, after last night…

"Gon, I have fun when we're together too. I really mean it."

When Gon glances at him with that timid smile, Killua bumps him playfully with one elbow. He walks faster, ahead of Gon, not paying attention. Gon trots up behind him and hip-bumps him back so he stumbles forward. Grinning, Killua shoves Gon hard enough to push him halfway into the small ditch on the side of the road. Gon lets out a laugh. Dashing back up the side, he headbutts roughly into him. Killua loses his balance, and they're fighting as if they're children again.

The last six months had been full of this kind of play, burgeoning day by day until they set out for this adventure. It was a relief to have the old Killua back again – and the old Gon. Though few, some things really do never change.

They're rolling around and laughing, flattening the tall grass as they go, grunting from the minor bumps of rocks and the other's forceful motion. On their backs, their gasps catch from the lingering giggles on their breath. The clouds, thick and voluminous, shadow over them periodically with the changing highwinds. Serpentine breezes cause the grasses to whisper their silvery secrets in the otherwise-silence.

When the initial high of their euphoria subsides, there's a difference in the air – a faltering question. Neither one of them moves. Killua can feel Gon's arm brushing against his. Their hands are probably right beside each other. He could so easily…

The scenery has changed, greying from twilight, and then Killua feels a drop on his cheek. Wiping it with one hand, more drops hit his bare limbs. Gon sits up.

"It's raining!" he exclaims.

"You bet it is!"

The rain is coming down in torrents now, soaking through their clothes, down to the skin. Gon's wearing his white muscle shirt and brown pants as per usual, Killua a black T-shirt and shorts. They clamber for cover in the treeline across the field, racing over muddy grassland, and reach it at the same time – much to their dismay – only to find the intense waterflow beneath their shoes slowly entrapping them.

The rain pounds around him all the while as Gon climbs into the center of a tree and points at something in the distance. Down below, Killua opens his mouth to yell up to him, but thunder answers instead. Gon climbs down and takes Killua's wrist, leading the way.

The cabin squats in the rain like an elderly toad amongst the trees. By the looks of it, though decrepit, it's sturdy and been there for decades. Absently, Gon wonders who's been tending the fields – they looked too trimmed to be without a farmer, but perhaps he's wrong.

Inside is a single room. The wooden table is cracked and worn on the side that must have served as the cutting board for caught game. Of the three stools, one has a broken leg. The mound of straw in the back smells of mildew, depressed into the woodwork, and a small desk sits crookedly near the door. Gon pulls the window shutters closed in the back to stop the wind from blitzing through the place – the door's missing so they can still hear the rain plenty well.

They'd been walking for most of the day so it'll be nighttime soon. Gon pulls some of the apples out of their bag, feeling the now-warm rainwater rolling off his back, dripping onto the ground.

Killua shakes his head, spraying him with water. "Hey, Killua!" he squeals.

"Sorry," Killua says, rummaging his hands through his hair. "I hate it when it lies flat."

Gon shoots him a mock look of disgust as he continues to take apples out of their bag, and sets them on the table.  _It probably wouldn't be a good idea to start a fire in the cabin to cook the fish or toadstools,_ he thinks, looking around at all the straw – and, considering that the cabin is made of wood, even if they're in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Killua pulls his T-shirt over his head and starts shaking it out, this time away from Gon, who watches him.  _We'll probably get there by sundown tomorrow unless we decide to pick up the pace. That's probably what we'll do, since we need to get back into practicing with our abilities… I'm sure that's what Killua's thinking also… maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to mention training to him now, considering –_ Gon realizes what he's staring at. He averts his eyes, feeling the shame on his cheeks. No, wait… Gon peers up, taking a gulp.

"Ah, Killua," he says, voice unsure, "…may I ask you something?"

He never asked before not only 'cause he believed Killua would never answer him, but because he believed it wasn't in his right to ask. But, considering the circumstances of all that had happened, not just in the last few days… just maybe…

Killua's guard must be down because he says, "Go ahead," without question, never looking up from his shirt.

"…What is that?"

The former assassin has no idea what Gon's talking about until he sees Gon eyeing his back, his chin lowered in embarrassment.

"I've always wondered," Gon continues, a little too expeditious for his own good. "But I never knew if you would tell me… Not saying you have to tell me now!" he says quickly, waving his arms. "But I'm just…"

"Curious?" Killua asks.

Gon nods slightly, gulping in anticipation.

Killua turns away from him, attempting to use his now-only-somewhat-damp T-shirt to fluff up his hair. "Well if your curiosity is the only reason, I don't really want to tell you."

"Oh…" He flinches back. "Sorry for asking, then…" With deliberate movements, Gon searches their bag for a knife to cut the apples. The blood drains from his face and he feels slightly nauseous.  _I can't find it._

"There's nothing to be sorry about," Killua says, his voice is muffled from rubbing his shirt back-and-forth across his head.

"Then why not tell me?" pops out of his mouth.

"I don't like exposing my friends to this kinda stuff," Killua says, pulling his head out from beneath his shirt.

"Not even your best friend?"

Killua looks back at him with wide eyes. Gon asked it as if…

No, it couldn't be. "Thaaaat's right. Not even my best friend," Killua declares snootily.

"Not even your best friend whom you trust most in the whole world?"

Killua chuckles ironically, refocusing Gon's attention. "Using my own words against me now, eh?"

Gon swallows fearfully. "Do you take it back?" Out of the corner of his eye, Gon catches a glimpse of something metallic on the table.  _It's the knife…_

"No, of course not…"

"Then…"

Killua turns toward the door again, where the rain beats the earth and the wind howls with torment. His pale back and shoulders face Gon. "…You really want me to tell you?"

"Yeah… if it isn't too much trouble…"

Killua touches the line of slightly raised skin slashed across his upper back – reigniting the sting of the memory. His hand lowers to his side. "Milluki got really angry that I tattled on him for spending his money on an anime figure instead of something actually useful. When my parents weren't watching us, he took me to one of our dungeons and got out our sharp whip – I'd only been exposed to the smaller ones before and he had no idea how to wield it correctly, so it left a scar."

"That's terrible…" Gon's lips move before he can register it, but the words are so quiet he wonders if Killua even heard him.

"But that was a long time ago," Killua says, his voice chillingly monotone. "Over thirteen years now."

_When he was five…?_

"The moment Milluki did it he knew he'd screwed up and called mom and dad down. They beat him good for it." Killua snickers a little, his shoulders curving inward. It sounds more like a bitter sob to Gon.

"…May I ask another question?"

After a moment too long, the stiffness surrounding Killua's body from the recollection disappears. He moves again, like an automaton brought back to life. "No, Gon. I'm done with questions for today. Let's eat."

Reluctantly, Gon hands him an apple when he turns around, which Killua takes and bites into without hesitation, his face undecipherable.

Though he regrets asking for the mood it brought in Killua, Gon can't seem to stop himself. "…Does it still hurt?"

Killua nearly spits out the apple, ready to lash out at him,  _"Didn't I just say no more questions?!"_  Once seeing how serious Gon is, how his steady gaze – devoid of pity and anger – never leaves him with acute earnesty, Killua mumbles, "Only if I press on it."

_That explains why he rarely sleeps on his back…_

"What are you thinking?" Killua inquires, narrowing his eyes.

"I just think some things make more sense now."

Killua glowers at him, though he says nothing.

It isn't until they're sitting across from each other on the wooden stools at the beaten table that Killua is reminded of the last time they were stuck in the rain. Back then it lasted only a few hours and then they had been able to go back to the city. Now they're entirely stranded… Killua isn't sure whether that's such a good thing.

He's always been fast-healing, so most of the other scars are gone – Illumi and his parents didn't want him looking like just any mercenary mottled by scars. They took care in their training – if you could call it "care." He guesses he should thank them for it, though it isn't like more scars covering his body would make him feel better or worse one way or the other – at least he doesn't  _look_  like what his training had put him through?  _Oh,_ he realizes, _it was probably so I could blend into crowds better._ Of course. The youth and innocence of a typical civilian. Stealth. Something his father couldn't effectively possess in a crowd, being the burly man he is.  _That's why._

The thundering incites a somnolence in Killua as he chews. He proposes himself as tired, but not from walking all day – he's used to the sleep deprivation, or at least he should be. He pulls his damp T-shirt back over his head. "I'm going to bed."

"Okay," Gon says. He looks lost in his own mind as he watches Killua thoughtfully. "Do you mind if I go with you?"

"Sure."

Killua doesn't think much of his reply, but apparently it's one of  _those_ nights.

When he lays down sideways on the bed of straw, Gon scooches right up behind him. Normally Killua can at least bring himself to protest – even if said protest is just for show – but for some reason, the feeling veiling over him tonight as Gon hugs him close to his chest… stops Killua.

Gon whispers in his ear, "Are you comfortable?" He already sounds like he's almost asleep.

"Yeah," Killua manages. He can't believe how hot he feels! They're both still wet from the storm – he can feel the moisture of Gon's skin passing to his own, but their shared warmth stops Killua from becoming cold again. The noise surrounding them now is predominantly of rain, the only light coming from flashes of lightning. The vibrations of thunder have moved so far in the distance, rumbling like the belly of a mountain giant.

Gon begins to squeeze Killua closer to him still, but… then he hesitates. "It doesn't hurt when I touch your back, does it?"

A shiver shoots down Killua's spine from the honest carefulness in his voice. "N-no, it's fine."

"Are you sure?"

Killua is actually tempted to admit that it still stings as sharply as the serrated edge of the whip he was hit with every time the deepest spot near his left shoulder is pressed, where Gon's chest presses against him now, but the fact Gon cares so much…

"It's fine, Gon."

Gon sighs in contentment. His breath, poignant with apple juice, pricks the hairs on Killua's neck. "Good night, Killua…" His voice is so close…

"Night…"

* * *

**~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

In the dead cold of midnight, Killua awakes, panting. Gon is a few feet away from him now, his arms curled up by his chest, his breaths coming as faint snores.

He isn't sure what he was just dreaming, but the past is festering in his mind, scraping loudly, like a pernicious tattoo. His pupils constrict, and the cabin walls bend and fade until he can only see his hands, his nails growing sharp as razors.

He wants to leave. He needs to get out –  _get out, get out, get out_ – but his lethargy isn't letting him, nor his state of mind.

 _What's happening to me?_ he wonders, clutching his head, feeling his nails dig into his scalp.  _Can't I just cry instead?_

But his mind screams no, no, no.

_You're a puppet of darkness, without passion. You don't want anything nor wish for anything. As one who lives in the shadows, you can only feel pleasure when people die._

_It isn't true,_ Killua bites back. _It was never true!_

_Your only concern when you meet someone is whether you should kill them._

" _That's a lie!_ " he cries out.

_If you stay with Gon, you'll end up wanting to kill him one day. You'll want to see if you can kill him or not._

Killua lifts a clawed hand. Gon's sleeping figure drifts on the edge of his vision.

_Because you have the soul of a killer._

His arm quivers in the air. He tries to stop himself.

A cry pierces the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Author's Note: I got the new Zelda game, Breath of the Wild, a little over a week ago, and I've been playing it nonstop ever since Spring Break started. It surely inspired the imagery of this chapter! (It should be called The Legend of Rain istg.)
> 
> I should probably confess at this point that I have no plan for this story whatsoever and never have had one, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. Please don't forget to leave your thoughts below!


	4. Chapter 4

**~ Chapter 4 ~**

* * *

One night ago, the didactic rhythm of ocean water baltering against the ship's hull rouses him from his sleep. Rocking back and forth in bed, Gon groans, the linens suddenly cold. Hadn't Killua been holding him just a moment before? Then why is he shivering? Gon's hand paws the mattress beside him for the sleeping body of his best friend, only to find the sheets pulled back, the spot utterly empty.

Gon jumps up in bed, blinking at the shadowed furnishings of their room – how detailed and opulent they are, even in the low light. Killua is nowhere to be found. The door to the bathroom is a crack open and the lights aren't on – no sound comes from inside. He's alone.

Gon waits there a moment, as the ship carries on with its dance on the temerate sea.

Killua really left him again, in the middle of the night, without saying anything.

Gon tries not to let his emotions distract him as he gets up, but his thoughts start spinning in directions he wishes he could forever sear from his mind.

_Why won't Killua tell me what he's doing when he sneaks off? Does he not trust me?_

Gon hesitates at the door, swaying with the motion of the ship. The kind of trust that they'd had before… had it all been a lie? And if not… then shattered when he decided to go it alone…?

_Maybe Killua really does see me as replaceable, unreliable, and untrustworthy now…_

After all that's happened, Gon wouldn't blame him… he was selfish and unable to see how Killua  _was_ there for him…

Killua had already said it wasn't his fault, but Gon can't help but feel he's lying for his sake… They wouldn't be together now if not for Alluka distancing herself, and it was Gon who asked Killua to go adventuring. Killua said yes, but…

…That can't seem to stop the pain that blooms in his heart.

Gon wishes Killua saw him the way he sees him: a singularity of all one could feel, as someone Gon will always turn back to. When, six months ago, Killua had said for Gon to tell him everything… why else would he have done that, if not because he was important? Why would he have run so long to reach him at that time when nothing else mattered… if not to save him?

_But why –?_

Why this? Why so many words left unsaid, and sleepless nights spent alone? Before, at least they had spent their sleepless nights together.

When Gon finds Killua's back facing him at the railing in the moonlight, the air around him only darkens – everything feels heavy and morbid once again. He's trying to do this alone…

Gon won't let him.

He'd already almost made the same mistake himself. How could Killua think trying to do the same would turn out any different…?

* * *

**~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

The first thing he hears is Killua screaming – grunting sharply in pain, at varying intervals – and the sound of ripping, stabbing, and  _twisting_.

Having never heard anything like it, Gon's head whirls around the cabin at first, wondering,  _What's coming?!_  when he realizes it's coming from the hunched over, trembling figure of his best friend. He's stunned; it takes him a moment to notice the dark visceral liquid dripping from Killua's arms, onto the yellowed hay between them. "Killua…? What're you doing?!"

Gon jumps to a crouching position, ready to approach him, but upon awareness of this move, Killua's legs kick out as he stumbles backward until his back hits the cabin wall. Breathing rapidly he orders, "Don't come near me!"

The source of blood is Killua's forearm, Gon sees, where Killua's fingers are embedded deeply into his skin. Crimson blood gushes from underneath. Claws extend from his outspread twitching fingertips.

Outside, rain drizzles in the background. Gon's expression changes from concern to horror. He stands up and Killua flinches back. "Killua, what happened?!" he demands forcefully.

Killua grits his teeth, not speaking. He's focused on his fingers, plunging ever deeper into his skin. Sweat beads on his forehead as his eyes squint in painful effort. Gon takes a step forward, but Killua immediately notices, dodging around him to the cabin's gaping exit, where the rain pitter patters against the earth.

"W-wait!" Gon calls, a hand flying up.

Back facing the door, Killua watches Gon, offset – as if his mind is somewhere else entirely and it takes immense effort just to look at Gon now. His claws haven't retracted yet, no longer embedded in his skin, but poised defensively on either side of him. Blood drips thickly onto the ground.

Oddly… his blood feels lukewarm, running down his arm. That's funny; it's been awhile since he remembered what the sensation of his own blood felt like.

"Killua…"

Killua looks up, and sees the way Gon's nose is turned up, how all the lines on his face try to make sense of what he's seeing.

 _I'm disgusting._ Letting Gon see him like this…

Killua knows it's futile to try to run away from him now… but he turns and dashes swiftly out the door anyway.

"Ah, Killua –?!" Gon sprints after him at full speed.

The ground, blanketed by grass, moss, and soft dirt, is mushy under their bare feet. The falling rain washes away much of the blood on Killua's hands as he runs faster, his fists clenched. He can feel the sharp edges of his fingers digging into his palms, new blood mixing with that of his forearm, but that's the least of his worries right now.

_What are you running away from?!_

He already knows – he can't face the fact that he was so close to harming Gon, the person he loves most… just like Illumi always said. Gon was so helpless, lying so vulnerable beside him…

He could have done it, and had his subconscious waited a moment longer to butt in, he  _would have_.

_Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! Murderer! MURDERER!_

He shakes his head as he runs, faster and faster, rain phasing around him like quantum ripples on the edges of his vision.

_You're a puppet of darkness, without passion. You don't want anything nor wish for anything._

Those soulless eyes, constantly sizing up his personal strength, glaring complacently at him from within.

 _As one who lives in the shadows, you can only feel pleasure when people die. Because you have the soul of a killer,_ Illumi whispers.

 _I know!_ he jeers back.  _I know, dammit!_

Gon's footsteps behind Killua are keeping pace despite Killua's desperation to escape him. The trees hang over Gon in his pursuit, just out of his reach, as though laughing at him for being  _always one step behind_. His sides are burning but he doesn't care – he's almost reached Killua, he can't let him get away –

In what seems to be an exaggerated trip, Gon lunges forward; a hand connects momentarily with Killua's ankle, enough to catch him off balance. They fall flat on their faces, but Killua's already up again and moving. Gon scrambles forward again, this time securing a tight shackle-like grip with both hands wrapped around Killua's ankle. He falls again.

"Get off me! Gon!" Killua shouts warningly.

"Not until you slow down!"

Killua twists around, moving to kick Gon in the face and then push him back, when he realizes his nails are still out. This moment of hesitation is enough for Gon to leap forward again, grabbing ahold of Killua's arms.

"Get off! Gon!" Killua hisses threateningly, pushing and pulling his arms from his grasp, attempting to plant his feet in a position to wrench himself free. He accidentally slashes one of Gon's arms in the process and gasps, seeing Gon's blood, as if it's his own.

As Gon struggles to keep hold of the retreating Killua, he feels a sense of déjà vu – trying to tame a frenetic animal, frightened of being deceived.

Killua stops fighting him so fervently and Gon grabs hold of his wrists, pressing his thumbs into Killua's palms to keep his claws at bay. They're sitting on their knees across from the other: Killua, drenched in sweat, watching him with misgiving eyes, Gon panting and searching his face for an answer. Only then do they hear the quietness of the rain, the chorus of croaking frogs and chirping crickets, matched against water sloughing off the trees.

Blood trickles from Killua's nails onto Gon's hands, strained from keeping hold of him. "Killua –" he starts, but Killua yanks his hands away. "Wait –!"

"I'll stop running," Killua mumbles, rubbing his wrists gingerly, red from Gon's grip.

Water drips from his eyelashes as Gon glances at the self-inflicted wound on Killua's arm. The skin is almost unrecognizable, torn until the flesh beneath was visible, even under the gushing blood. How many times did he stab himself?

"What happened back there?" Gon asks.

Killua contemplates the claws on his hands, a dark fatigue underlining his eyes. Gon feels shut off from him again.

Scooting forward, he takes one of Killua's hands into his own. Killua scowls at him as he lifts Killua's pale hand to eye level in interest. He can hardly believe what's happening, and looks away in embarrassment, which only intensifies as Gon lowers their hands. As Gon is about to probe one of the claws with a finger, Killua cries out, "Don't –!" cringing back, but Gon keeps a firm grip on him.

There's innocent admiration layered within his amber eyes, even as blood draws from the finger he used to poke the edge – and that which oozes from his upper arm. "Ouch! No wonder you got me without even trying," he mumbles. Killua can't keep fascination from seeping into his expression at how Gon handles his dagger-like fingers. How quickly his hands stop twitching as Gon rolls his hand over and over, like he was inspecting an undiscovered creature.

The fog in his head nearly dissipates altogether, and Killua looks slowly into Gon's amber eyes, but he's still looking down in concentration. Killua's claws retreat back, leaving only his fragile pale fingers.

Still, Gon doesn't look up.

"Killua."

"Y-yes?"

Gon says nothing, and Killua feels guilty.

"Let me see your arm."

"No, it's fine –"

Gon pulls him forward by his hand, and Killua sighs deeply through his nose. He looks away as Gon carefully fingers through the ragged flesh.

"A-are you done yet?!" Killua mutters a little too defensively, his head snapping back. His gut does a somersault when he sees the pain in Gon's face.

The moment his hold loosens, Killua tears his arm away.

"…What was that about, back there?"

He really doesn't know how he's going to get out of this one.

"Killua, you can't get out of this one."

Killua seals his lips shut. Where would he even start…?

The passage of time only comes with the sounds of the forest: the rain and the distant call of birds. Gon sits patiently for what feels like hours in the nighttime morass.

Killua's mind won't calm down. What can he even say to this? He really doesn't want to burden Gon with this – it isn't like there's anything he can do to change what happened in the past or the throbbing in his head. He thought removing the needle would have done that. They're just remnants from the past – he should be used to it by now, but he almost hurt Gon… hell, he did hurt him…

"You know, Killua…"

The islander boy's honey-filled voice brings Killua out of his self-induced trance, like a cat slinking back into daylight after hunting in the shadows.

"I really wish I knew more of what goes on in your head."

"…Wha?"

"Yeah." Gon suddenly feels self-conscious – his head is spinning again. There's so much he wants to say but he can't seem to phrase it correctly no matter what, so he just sits there, dumbly accepting their co-silence.

Finally, Killua mumbles, "Well, the feeling's mutual, then…"

"Huh?"

"I… wish I knew more about what you were thinking too," Killua clarifies.

"Then… why don't we agree to tell each other more often?"

Killua scoffs. "What, every time one of us has a thought we tell the other person? What kind of lame idea is that?" He folds his arms across his chest. "Just what are you suggesting?"

"What… am I… suggesting…?" Sitting cross-legged, Gon's palms clench on his knees. His head bows as he searches the ground. "If you won't tell me what you feel, then… do you have anyone else to tell…? Or why is it –?" Gon cuts himself off. He's aware of himself chattering out loud and only feels more self-conscious the longer he goes on – but he can't seem to stop no matter how hard he tries, all his emotions bundling up inside him. "I don't know, why did I say that? I guess I feel like as your best friend, I should be the one to know the most about you, but I don't know – I guess this was only in my head, and I pushed that on you and…" He forces back heartache. "And I'm sorry, Killua… for thinking things that aren't true…"  _For thinking we're closer than we are…_ "I know it's all my fault we split up in the first place, and you'd probably rather be with Alluka right now than with me –" He swallows thickly. "I'm sorry for expecting the same thing from you when I've already been selfish for bringing you along with me…"

For the third time in the last few days, Killua feels the knot in his stomach twisting round and round. "No, that's not what I meant!" he blurts out, leaning forward. He doesn't understand Gon's motivation for such a speech but he certainly understands whatever guilt he's feeling now must be a mere fraction of what Gon is.

"Th-then what did you mean?" Gon asks shyly, hiding the diffidence from his expression.

"I just don't see the point… in bringing up the past…" Killua closes his eyes, sitting back. Only now, does he feel a dull sting as the rain hits his arm. "I don't like thinking about it," he admits. That alone causes his voice to tremor, and Gon feels terrible for asking.

It's too late to back out though.

"A-ah, yeah… but still… doesn't it bother you…?"

" _Doesn't it bother you?"_ Before, he would have answered without pause.  _"Of course not. It's not like I ever knew any different."_ If he would have answered at all…

And now…?

… _I do know different._ He knew what it felt like to risk his life for another person. What it feels to know that all of you isn't lost to the world, that someone knows you – as much as he can. And maybe that was what spurred on all the waterworks, the fact that somehow he always knew and tried to push it away – that there was better out there… He was always told killing and deceiving was all there was to life. To know that he could never have the childhood he wanted, the life he wanted…

 _But I went along with the killings._ Something he can never escape.

"I'm more worried about the present," he says stiffly, avoiding Gon's gaze. "I don't see the point in thinking about it and bringing up the past when it serves no purpose." Something else Gon said is eating away at Killua's mind. "And I didn't agree to come with you just because I was feeling bored and rejected by Alluka – you idiot. Even if I don't want to face it, I know she has to find her own way, without me…" Killua hangs his head back, allowing the rain to hit his face. "But I… I never did." When he looks down, Gon's expression has subsumed staunch blankness. Killua almost chuckles. "I wanted to go with you, through all of it. I thought I'd made that clear before… apparently not. But don't you ever forget it." He leans forward to rest a hand on Gon's shoulder, a half-smile quirking his lips.

"Killua…" Gon laughs a little, tears in his eyes. "I'm really glad…" He wipes them away, not wanting the proclivity of this scene to detract from his words. "But how can you say… it serves no purpose to bring up the past, even though I woke up to find you like that…"

He's barely audible, and Killua feels like someone's squeezing his heart.

"Killua, I want to be special to you… I…" Gon's face feels tight and warm all of a sudden, his breathing arrests, eyes unfocused…

" _Idiot!_ " Killua barks.

"E-eh?" He blinks thrice in confusion.

"Haven't you realized it yet?!" Killua shouts in exasperation. The words of a certain conman flash through his mind. " _Are you daft?! You're already Gon's friend!"_ ―the words that saved his life.

He says, with all the transparent honesty he can muster, "You already are special to me."

"R-really?" Gon's expression is unfathomable.

"Really," affirms Killua.

"…KILLUA!"

"AH – WAIT A SEC –!"

The catharsis of Gon's hug leaves Killua feeling ravished – he's on his back now, and can see the stars through the chalky rainclouds.

Just twenty minutes ago, he'd been ready to run away from Gon forever – something he'd been prepared to do throughout their adventures in the past… With Gon clinging onto him and the rain falling on his face –

He's just fine.

The coldness of the muddy ground dampens his clothes and bare legs, but warmth erupts in his chest from the closeness of his dearest friend.

Gon leans back and grins widely. Seeing the surprise on Killua's face, the stifled smile playing across his lips, Gon is reminded why Killua's being hesitant.

"You have to promise to tell me one day, though."

A question arises on Killua's face.

"Everything that's happened and all that you're thinking."

"Everything?!"

"That's right."

Killua flushes beneath Gon. "I'll do my best…"

"Good. Then let's go back –" Gon sits back and tries to pull Killua along by the arm – the one unmarred by skin trauma – but Killua doesn't budge.

"Gon… maybe I should sleep somewhere else for a while –"

"What are you talking about?"

Killua blushes from the immediate firmness of Gon's voice, but he isn't backing down either. "I… I almost hurt you."

"But you didn't," says Gon.

"But I almost did!" he cries out. "Do you realize… I wouldn't be able to forgive myself… if anything happened to you…"  _Which it already almost did… and that was my fault too._

Gon turns back to him, still clutching his arm. "I don't really want to sleep alone…"

"Is that the only reason you can come up with…?!" Killua mutters embarrassedly.

Gon sighs, hearing the birds waking up around them. The rainclouds are nearly depleted of their water stores, and the sky transforms into a soft blue. "…It's morning now anyway… Wanna keep going?"

They walk back to the entrance of the cabin, and Killua waits outside as Gon retrieves his bag.  _Tell him "everything"?_ he wonders, listening to the last of the raindrops hitting the damp earth beneath his toes. Morning mist swirls around him now.

… _I'm sorry, Gon… I don't think I'll be able to keep that promise._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Author's Note: I’ve been really trying hard to include Gon’s feelings and perspective as much as Killua’s throughout the story thus far, since generally, within the fandom Gon is the most misinterpreted and ignored character, which really is a shame. (During my last rewatch, he became my favorite character, in fact.) I’ve also gone back and edited each of the previous chapters to add more of Gon’s thoughts. I tried to do the same as I wrote this chapter, obviously!
> 
> Man, I have been busy with the end of senior year of high school fast-approaching. I’ve only had time to write this story and not even a lot. I’m going to include more flashbacks as the story continues from here on out, filling in what happened before Gon and Killua split with Alluka, but after their reunion…
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and will leave your thoughts below~


	5. Chapter 5

**~ Chapter 5 ~**

* * *

It was December – the streets were alive with the muted sounds of indoor parties, and the contiguously arranged tile-roofed buildings had gutters lined with lanterns emitting warm light onto the dark snow. The town was small, and quiet when the Zoldyck siblings arrived.

Killua looked nervously from side to side, Alluka's hand grasped in his. His breath shown misty white as he searched for the name of the building Gon had said the other Hunters had rented out for the holidays.

They'd been wanting to meet up for a while now, but when the opportunity finally presented itself, it was by mere coincidence. Gon mentioned that everyone from their Chimera Ant Extermination Unit (and a few others) would be celebrating New Years in a town in Jappon, the home country of the ninja Hanzo.

Killua happened to be nearby already, touring an island off the coast of the mainland with Alluka. Killua debated even telling Gon of his whereabouts when he first told him where the group would be meeting.

…What if they had changed so much that they could hardly talk with one another? Would they even get along now?

Even as a message disclosing his general location was sent – before he could overthink it – he could hardly suppress his spreading anxiety. These questions and more roiled hotly in Killua's mind for the next few weeks, adjuring him incessantly. However, after awkwardly prattling back-and-forth about the event, Killua wondered if a meeting had been Gon's original intention all along, though Gon was careful not to say it… and had the courage to ask for their exact address.

It was nighttime in the town now, but him and Alluka hadn't been walking for long. They'd only just arrived from the train station not far off.

Eventually, his blue eyes fixed on the correct building, and he stopped before the door. Alluka squeezed his fingers gently, inquiring with her upward gaze.

"I'm sure he'll be happy to see you, brother," she said.

"Yeah," said Killua breathlessly, not even looking at his sister. His heart was beating too fast to really hear her. "What if he doesn't even recognize me?" he blurted out. "What if I don't recognize  _him_?" His fingers loosened on hers, becoming sweaty, and his head turned to the snowy streets on either side of them. "Maybe I should –"

Alluka leaned forward and promptly rapped on the sliding door before he could get far. Too terrified to send a grimace her way, Killua sucked in a breath as shadows moved in the rented teahouse. He'd already sent Gon a text saying he was almost there, so –

The door opened, and for a split second, Killua blinked through him before fixing on his face. "Ah, hey."

* * *

**~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

Killua stuck noticeably close to Alluka during the first week, but Gon didn't ask him about it. They'd kept in contact only through texts and the occasional phone call over the last three years. Being together again wasn't nearly as awkward as either of them had feared, though there was certainly a difference.

At first after they parted, neither had wanted to be the one to initiate communication for fear the other had changed his mind altogether about being friends. The longing looks and unspoken words that lingered in the air between them as they had turned away at the World Tree – what if he'd sensed wrongly…?

One day Alluka had called Gon  _for_ Killua, seeing how torn up he was about it – and even if Gon hadn't answered right away, that reestablished a connection. When it wasn't face-to-face, anyway…

The others helped cushion their interactions at the teahouse. Their long-standing Nen master Bisky Krueger was present, as were Knuckle, Shoot, Palm, Morel, Knov, Meleoron, Ikalgo, and of course their generous, and just as aggravatingly talkative host, Hanzo.

New Years wasn't for another few weeks, but between the group of separated Chimera Ant War veterans, there was always something lively going on. Killua hadn't planned on staying long, until he saw how much Alluka was enjoying herself. After so many pretentious greetings and the shakings of hands, bowing on the first few nights, he secured a room and scoped the area with Gon and Alluka during the day. At night they sat near the outer rim of the main room of the teahouse, outside all the commotion – as many of the adults had become quite drunk. Upon laying her sights on Alluka when all her hair was down, Bisky came rushing over, her hands clasped, and stuck her shining eyes in Alluka's face.

"My goodness, what lovely hair! I absolutely  _have_ to let Cookie do something with it!"

Alluka shot Killua a nervous glance from the strangely young appearance of a vociferously older woman, but he smiled and nodded to her, so Alluka allowed Bisky to prance her happily back to the larger table. She was welcomed by Knuckle who immediately moved aside to make space for her at the table. Morel bellowed in greeting, positively  _pandering_ drunkenness, as Bisky apparated Cookie to "do something about that hair." While Cookie's hands worked through the younger Zoldyck's shining black locks, Hanzo, Knuckle, and Shoot chatted her up, commenting on Alluka's natural beauty, which made her blush quite a lot, and asking her all about her adventures with her brother.

Meleoron sat just on the outside of most of the chaos with a cup of saké and Knov, who had abstained from drinking more than enough to make his cheeks tinge red beneath the shadow of his cap. Palm and Ikalgo sat at a smaller table with Gon and Killua – the only four who weren't buzzed out of their heads, minus Alluka and Cookie. They couldn't help watching Gon and Killua. They hadn't said much to each other since arriving, not even while exploring the town. It was mostly the ordinary directional conversations: the "where do you want to go next?"s and the "let's go into this shop"s. Not that their texts had always been so stiff – but still, it was weird being around the other again.

Gon noticed how Killua watched Alluka as she conversed with everyone. His smooth apropos from before – as he greeted everyone the last few days, including Gon – was all an elaborate display of false equanimity. Gon guessed it from how his hands were clasped tightly in his lap beneath the table beside him. He was on edge, being around everyone again.

…Or was it because of him?

Gon turned back to the others, keeping his dry lips clenched shut.  _Probably just my ego talking…_

* * *

**~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

The Zoldyck siblings shared a small suite, but Killua was grateful to Bisky for doting so much on Alluka. Over the last three years, he'd felt unable to do more than protect her from harm, especially with how difficult it was for him to talk about the past. Then again, it's not like that was any different from before.

She became excited to go out to the shoppes every day with Bisky and Palm, to see the girly things Killua had never been interested in other than to humor his younger sister. Hanzo was stocked full of tourist attractions that he paraded everyone around to visit when he wasn't caught up in his ninja work, otherwise each person had their own group with whom to venture through the town and surrounding areas at their leisure – well, all except…

On the fourth day, Killua sat on the deck outside his and Alluka's suite. His legs hung lazily over the patio as he looked into the courtyard with its garden and the small stream running through it under the teahouse. For almost every waking moment the past three years, he'd had Alluka by his side… now being alone felt… bizarre.

Most of the snow had melted, but it was still cold, so he headed back through the sliding door in his room and through another toward the pantry, where all the food was being kept.

Of course, he ran into Gon in the hallway.

The tan-skinned boy's eyes widened in panic upon spotting him, and he hesitated in his step. Gon had become rather lanky in the last three years, yet his movements were as swift and springy as ever – not enough for Killua to overlook his trepidation. With the white sleeveless shirt and camo-green pants he wore, he seemed taller than Killua ever would have thought possible. His form wasn't fully developed yet either – or maybe he just hadn't been training that much since the… incident.

"Ah – a-are you getting something in the kitchen?" he asked, one hand clasping his elbow.

"Yeah. Alluka isn't back yet, so I thought I'd grab a bite," said Killua, a hand on one hip.

"Yeah…"

Killua had planned on this exchange being curt and to the point like before, but Gon stayed rooted in place, avoiding his eyes. His fingers tapped his arm.

"Say, uh, Killua…" There was an apprehensive hopeful gleam in his gaze when he looked at him. "Do you think you'd… like to go out and do something?"

"I don't know." Killua glanced at the empty room to his right, never changing his posture. "Alluka's supposed to get back soon, so I should probably wait for her."

Gon's face fell. His form seemed to cave inward. "Oh… yeah… I guess you're right."

Killua had realized too late Gon had been asking for some time alone. "But maybe we could do something tomorrow," he quickly blurted. "Once they've left." He collected himself by the end, but was still flustered by his initial brazen tone of voice.

Gon's cheeks lit immediately, spreading in a smile. His hand dropped to his side as he nodded once. "Sure! Also, Killua," he said as he walked beside Killua to the pantry, "I was wondering if you'd found any good candy shops while you were traveling."

"We did – but none of them carried ChocoRobos, so I only bought  _half_  a year's supply of what they had."

Gon laughed at him, throwing his head up. "Eating so much sugar as always. You know it isn't good for you, don't you?"

"Yeah, yeah, like you haven't already told me a thousand times!"

"Haha!"

And just like that – it had been as if they never separated at all.

* * *

**~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

They've been running for hours. The grassy countryside has melted away into a rocky forest path that scales the side of a small mountain. Behind that, more mountains crest the landscape, extending into a range in the foreign land. (Actually, Sahelta is the country in which Yorknew City resides, though the dark lights of the metropolis lie quite a ways southward.) The sky is still overcast from last night's storm, but the windy road has faded away into a straight dirt path through the woods. Running uphill is starting to tire Killua a bit, more than he would like it to, but he can easily go another ten miles like this before his legs start to burn.

However, Gon stops abruptly on the dirt path.

Killua skids to a halt as well. "What is it, Gon? Do you need to rest?" Killua is surprised by how rapid his own breath is.  _Damn, I'm really out of practice. So many calm walks through the countryside with Alluka really fattened me up, didn't it?_

Gon's attention is fixated on the side of the path. After staring for a moment, he walks behind a tree and bends over to pluck something from the ground. With a purple bell-shaped flower in one hand, he approaches Killua with the other outstretched expectantly.

Killua doesn't understand and retracts slightly until Gon's eyes crinkle in a pitying humor. "Give me your arm, silly."

So here they are, Killua with his chin in his hand and looking the other way as Gon grinds up the purple flower and its sharp green leaves in his hands. He drops it into a bowl, taken from their yellow bag, and swirls it around, adding water.  _He likely sniffed that out with that unbelievable nose of his,_ Killua thinks. It's probably no later than seven in the morning, judging from the position of the sun and the alertness of the animals. Gon already used some of their water to clean out the wound and demanded Killua sit still while he does the rest – though it's proving hard for the ex-assassin. He isn't sure he's ever done this before, let someone else treat his wounds while he was conscious. When he was alone it didn't matter how much it hurt, but with someone else –

"Ow!" Killua's ears light up. He was so distracted by his thoughts that he forgot to put them to action. "Just what are you doing?" he asks to distract Gon and himself – though he hasn't noticed or doesn't care – from the fact that he cried out in pain.

"Well it's pretty deep," says Gon, focusing on Killua's left arm, "so this should soothe the skin around it and kill any infections. That'll allow it to heal faster."

"…How do you know all this stuff, you plant freak?"

"Whale Island is full of all kinds of plants. Besides, I had a lot of free time."

Gon doesn't smile when he says any of this.

Killua swallows, forcing down his personal disquietude. "Gon, are you…?"

Before he can finish his sentence, a particularly large glob of Gon's herbal remedy drops into the wound. Killua leans forward, shaking, as his other hand convulses above his lacerated arm.

"Ah! I'm so sorry! It isn't supposed to go in the wound!" Gon cries, tearing up leaves from around them and applying pressure, haphazardly trying to scoop it out.

Doing his best not to make a sound, Killua moans, "G… get it off…"

…

"There!" Gon declares.

Much to Killua's astonishment – and discomfiture – the application of Gon's simple panacea has stopped the throbbing in his arm, and he feels he can move it more freely now.

"Why don't we eat breakfast as long as we're stopped?" Gon asks.

Apples are the main dish once again, and they have plenty of them. It wouldn't make sense to start a fire and potentially waste their flint when they'll quickly be moving on. While chewing slowly, Gon's head darts from side to side, as if watching something. Swallowing, he comments quietly, "It's always fun seeing how each forest sounds…"

"Do the forests of Whale Island sound really different from out here?" Killua inquires, clutching a huge, bright red apple in both hands.

Gon turns to him. "Of course! Can't you tell?! Whale Island is so small that everything gets hard to distinguish from another." He waves an arm at the coniferous trees around them. "This forest is so large that it sounds rustic! It's so vast compared to home…" Gon's hands drop slightly closer to his lap, taking it all in.

Killua peers at him from the corner of his eye. "You miss it, don't you?"

"Yes, but… not really. I can always go back. I've already spent so much time there by myself…"  _I could recount everything on the island without even having to look… especially after you left._ "Nothing's really changed in the last six years since I left for the Hunter Exam."

"Must be nice," Killua says. He realizes how sarcastic that sounded and hastily amends, "To know a place so well, I mean."

"Yeah… Do you ever think of home, Killua? I mean, not your family, but… any specific place?"

"Not really. Well, there was a spot I used to sit behind an abandoned training arena on the edge of the grounds to escape my family – I was rarely found there. Sometimes Grandpa would sit with me and we could talk for a little while before someone else found us out and scolded him for doting on me." He bites ravenously into his apple and slouches a little as he chews, thinking sadistic thoughts.

"Eeeh? You were even rebellious in that?" Gon asks curiously.

"Yeah, but it's not like I usually could be. Only when Illumi was gone or I had learned the new route past my mother's cameras and avoided her butler spies – pretty much every other moment they were watching me to make sure I didn't do something off-track."  _Huh? That came right out of my mouth…_

"Wow, she even has cameras set up across the grounds?" Gon sits back a little. "That explains how she knew we arrived so quickly."

"Yeah…" He lets the conversation drift into oblivion, wondering if what he said was okay as Gon tosses the core of one apple aside and reaches in their bag for the next. Just how many unusual things could he tell about the Zoldyck Family to an outsider, he wondered…?

They're nearly to the top of the mountain they've been climbing for upwards of three hours now. The path is so faint that Killua wonders if they lost the main one long ago, but he realizes he isn't particularly worried; they have enough apples and toadstools to last another five days, if need be.

When they reach the top, a beautiful vista is revealed to them: magnificent pinetrees dot the landscape of snow-capped mountains, increasingly taller in the distance. The altitude they're at now has been enough only to make their ears pop once, and the air is still crisp enough for woodland creatures to dwell in the trees. Or, on one side, there remains a seaside path.

"The man at the information desk back in town said that the city of airships was located in the mountains," remarks Killua.

"Yeah, I remember," says Gon, eyeing the seaside. "Maybe we should take a detour?"

* * *

**~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

It's midday by the time they reach the shoreline, and the clouds and wind are picking up once more. Dashing toward the water, Gon strips to his underwear and dives in. When he resurfaces, he waves at Killua to join him. Grinning and shaking his head, Killua pulls off each of his shoes, his pants, and his shirt over his head and wades in after him.

"What made you dive in here without a second thought, you idiot?!" His feet are only barely touching the rocky-sandy sea floor as he treads forward. Yet again, he's surprised by how comfortable his arm feels in the saltwater. "It's so cold!"

"I don't care – I wanna swim!" And with that he holds his breath and dunks his head underneath.

"You're so thick in the head," Killua calls after him, following suit.

The waves have picked up from the oncoming aftermath of last night's storm – or perhaps this is a new brewing altogether – either way, the swim doesn't last as long as they would have liked. Thunderclouds spark in the distance over the ocean, but Killua lays down on the sand, face-up, with his arms crossed behind his head as Gon explores the sand for hidden treasures. It's nice to relax after being up for most of the night…

After a while, Killua decides to see what Gon's up to. He's collected a menagerie of decaying sealife: barnacles, sponges, countless bivalves and rocks, even washed up jellyfish and seaweed.

"Jeez, Gon! What the hell are you doing with all that stuff?!"

Gon's eyes are shining. "It's cool, isn't it?! I wanna take it back with us –!"

"YOU CAN'T TAKE  _ALL_ OF IT!"

When Gon pouts at him, Killua adds, "It won't fit in the bag with the food and all our clothes and supplies."

Gon sighs, allowing the pertinacity in his expression to subside. "Fine, I guess you're right…"

He settles on a few rocks and leaves the rest for the sea, which churns now with the swirling storm.

Nighttime falls over the shoreline. With the returning curtain of such numinous weather, they search for a place to make camp. An illecebrous grotto catches their attention on the mountainous side of the shore, dry enough for them to – finally – make a fire. Rain begins to whorl in the outside world, sending a gust of cool air into the cavernous grotto.

After a palatable dish of smoked salmon – god, they hadn't had such protein-rich food in weeks! – Gon lays by the fire. Its light hardly touches the far walls of the grotto, he notes, head leaning on his arm. The sand beneath him is so soft it feels like a blanket of fine grosgrain on his arms, back, and legs. Killua crouches near the fire as he finishes his meal, then chucks the fishbones out the grotto's opening, into the rain.

They still haven't redressed after their ocean swim. The air and sand feels so good, it's hard to find a reason to. As Killua walks back and lays down beside Gon, hands curled on his stomach, he closes his eyes. Gon finds himself staring.

Idly, as he dozes off, Killua wonders how much longer they're going to avoid getting back on track to Greed Island – not that he minds it. He's entertaining himself with a daydream about running down the windy beach, his eyes on the golden heels of his best friend kicking up white sand a few paces in front of him, when –

That's three days in a row now…

"What are you doing?" Killua asks, barely awake. His arm and leg tingle where Gon's hands and feet have hooked around him. This is strange… Gon was rarely bold enough to sleep so close and certainly not this often. When Gon doesn't answer, Killua opens his eyes. "Are you okay?"

Gon hastily lets go, feeling embarrassed. "Uhh –" He rubs the back of his head, hiding his shock and terror as he bows forward, hands digging into the sand. "Sorry! I… I guess I just thought…" He's not sure how to finish his sentence, unable to find the words…

Killua's eyes widen.

Gon tries again. "With how we'd been… the last few days…"

Killua has no idea what to say.

"…Well," he says finally, breaking the silence, "I'm going to sleep." He turns over, away from Gon, but he remains wide awake as he listens for Gon's every move.

He stays in place. "Okay… I'm sorry…"

Killua's face contorts in anguish when he whips back around. "You don't –!" He pauses to take a deep breath. "It's fine."

Gon's face is masked in confusion.

Killua roars internally at himself before turning back around – nearly slapping his hands over his face as he clutches his head on both sides.

"Good night," says Gon reluctantly.

"Night!" Killua gasps.

Gon doesn't understand why Killua's shoulders continue to tremble long after he's moved away. With how hot the fire is still going… surely, he isn't cold…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Author's Note: Oh boy, this chapter was a struggle. But a good one, nonetheless. I've been meaning to update for a while but gosh, graduation was so busy and now I'm going to have a job by this Monday! Anyway, I really hope you enjoyed reading it – I certainly enjoyed writing it, and I really hope I'll be able to write the story more smoothly from here~


	6. Chapter 6

**~ Chapter 6 ~**

* * *

The rain reminds him of home, tapping gently against his window above the rolling waves of the sea. The sand is his soft blankets and pillow – their fire, the lights down the hall…

He was safe back then, surrounded by the comfort of his home. Though that wasn’t how it always was. He used to walk through the woods alone – sobbing, hungry, scared – without a way home. He’d disobeyed Mito again and ran away in an effort to escape the smallness of his world… He hated the feeling of the forest – its darkness, even in daytime… What evil things crept in waiting that he wouldn’t see coming until it was too late…?

After meeting Kite, he’d realized how much wonder it beheld, and spent all his time away from the village before leaving for the Hunter Exam… but he was always alone. He saw so much that only he could appreciate in his solitude while exploring the vast terrains of Whale Island, and longed to understand what made such a life so alluring to Ging…

When Killua was with him and they’d explored Whale Island together, it was entirely different – as if he could see the world through a different lens with his best friend at his side. They shared in an adventure he could never forget, joking and laughing together… not just on Whale Island, but through it all…

Being able to cherish moments of triumph, sadness, and hardship with him… was everything Gon could have wanted.

They could do anything as long as they were together.

* * *

  **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

As promised, once Alluka was on her way with Bisky and Palm, Gon met Killua at the teahouse front. After the initial awkwardness of the days before, they’d spend the remainder of yesterday together, telling the other all he’d done in the last three years in a corner closed off from the rest gathered in the main room. They talked and joked, right up until Alluka all but fainted from socializing – so Killua carried her to their room.

The morning air was crisp as they crossed over a small bridge into the lively shopping district of the antiquarian Japponian town. Women in kimono clicked by in high geta, men hefting rickshaws trotted along, and all kinds of items were being sold left and right. The place buzzed with the shouts of merchants, sailors, and buyers; traders of fish and fresh produce, jewelry and other trinkets. 

As Gon looked around in awe, mouth open, eyes glowing, Killua’s hands were stuck in the pockets of his denim shorts. The silver-haired boy wore a black T-shirt, buckled leather bracelets, and metal necklaces with designs of chainlinks, fangs, and military tags. Gon wore camo-green capris, brown boots, and a sleeveless white shirt that made his complexion pop out stunningly.

During their conversations the night before, the dim illumination of the teahouse had deceived Killua’s eyes – he’d picked up only minimally on the ever-changing enthusiasm on his best friend’s face – and before then he’d been too apprehensive to look Gon fully in the face for too long. Now in full daylight, he remembered why Gon’s expressions were always so interesting to him. His hands moved constantly up and down in excitement at all the items before him, his golden-tan arms drawing up to his chest. His amber eyes glistened with the reflections of merchant tables lined with gems: ruby, malachite, and citrine in color. Each time he turned to show something to Killua, his cheeks spread broadly in infectious smiles.

Indeed, Killua found himself grinning – and he couldn’t seem to stop no matter how much he chided himself.

Gon noticed how lazily content Killua’s expressions were, pervading his every move and action – though Gon gave little indication of his awareness; just having Killua near again had already made this trip so much better. Staying with the others after all that had happened… Well, it wasn’t the same without Killua – not that it had ever been. And he’d feared Killua would remain distant when he arrived…

The obviously feigned annoyance on his best friend’s face, as Gon dragged him around the people and shoppes, quelled these fears burbling in his chest.

More than once, Gon grabbed Killua’s wrist to take him somewhere – and somehow, the ex-assassin couldn’t stop himself from thinking about the past. His cheeks steamed, and he felt light, and happy, like the same goofy kid he used to be whenever he was around Gon. He wasn’t sure why, even after all this time, and everything else…

Back then, he’d certainly had no idea what such happiness meant. Friendship wasn’t something he was used to…

_Yeah… that has to be it…_

“Killua.” Gon’s fingers were closed around his wrist again. It was the first time they had slowed down since the start of their outing.

Killua wondered if he should address it, the grip on his arm. _The idiot is probably oblivious like always,_ he figured, but…

Gon looked confused now, as though aware of something for the first time – yet he kept a firm grip.

Finally, Killua asked, “What is it?” unable to take the awkward silence.

All at once, Gon’s consubstantial face broke. His eyes widened slightly, and he hastily let go. “Aa-ah, we should go get something to eat,” he said quickly, spinning around and marching the other direction.

Killua cocked a curious eyebrow at him before following.

The café they picked was located in a more modern part of town, with round tables scattered on the sidewalk outside. Killua ordered a custard pudding cake the moment the waitress spotted them, and sent a mischievous smirk Gon’s way – expecting Gon to scowl and tell him eating so many sweets was terrible for his health and teeth – but Gon seemed intent upon studying the menu instead.

As the waitress left, Killua sighed at him in disappointment. “Hey Gon, why’d we pick this place if you’re just gonna order soup? We could get real food somewhere else, y’know.” Already, he was back to his jibing self and took to teasing Gon – it was hard not to.

Gon’s speech was hasty and nervous. “I know – I just thought it would be nice to go somewhere different for once?”

Once the waitress returned with Killua’s pudding and soda, and Gon’s soup and juice, Killua thought he felt the eyes of the other waitresses gathered near the door boring into his back. Reaching out with Nen, their auras swirled with humor and scrutiny. What could be so amusing to them?

Killua shrugged and didn’t think any more of it.

After their meal, Gon found an abandoned road that led back to the residential area of town. Long-since-evicted crumbling buildings surrounded them. Shutters clanged against each other, wafting in the air; weary greens and oranges spray-painted over still-standing metal doors. Thick grooved metal pipes stuck out of lonely walls where buildings once lay, bent in odd shapes that reached out toward the sky.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t eerie. The entire place exuded waves of tentative curiosity – of a place that had once been beautiful, now forgotten, just waiting to be unearthed again…

Walking beside him in the seclusion, Gon half-gasped, “Killua, I’m really glad we decided to meet up again.”

A smile split Killua’s face – the same one since that morning, it seemed. “Me too,” he answered without thinking, glancing momentarily at Gon.

Startled by Killua’s easygoingness, Gon went on. “It’s been really fun hanging out again.”

Now Gon’s elocution was perfect and polite, just like Killua always remembered… and yet… his voice lacked the innocence it’d had before…?

Gon stopped walking, so Killua stopped too, removing his hands from his pockets.

Gon shook his head, smiling – strangely. He didn’t look at Killua. “It’s nothing,” he said as he continued to smile. Lifting his head, the same boyish grin beamed at him from their adventures before. “Let’s go back, shall we?”

As they walked side-by-side, Killua mentally slapped himself. His pale fingertips nearly brushed against Gon’s tan ones, so he shoved his hands back in his pockets and slouched forward with a grouchy – then disheartened – expression.

 _Don’t get too full of yourself, now,_ he scolded. Killua stuck out his tongue at his self of reason. Sadly, it was right.

No sooner had Killua accepted his fate than the other boy looked back at him with those intriguing amber eyes, engaging him in a conversation about – well, it didn’t really matter. Anything Gon said was interesting to him.

For the time being, Killua forgot his misgivings.

* * *

**~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

The crackles of the fire awake Gon in the middle of the night, and he knows why. 

He’s alone again.

Panic sets in.

He raises himself on his hands, head whirling about the cavernous sandy grotto, to find –

_Oh…_

At the entrance – about twenty feet away – is Killua, sitting with his legs drawn near his chest, his figure outlined by the dark rain falling on the seashore.

Relief sweeps over Gon. Killua didn’t run away this time – but to have him so far away… it’s still startling.

_He could leave one night without saying anything… For three years again… Or more…_

The light of the fire is all but gone – the logs spit up embers every once in a while. The wind moans as Gon stands. He treads carefully through the sand, toward his friend’s sequestering effigy. He wonders if Killua hears him – probably, knowing him, but Killua makes no sign of it. Not until Gon is sitting beside him.

Gon doesn’t say anything to Killua’s yonderly look, he just stares out at the cold rain. Killua’s hand tightens on his arm and he rotates his flocculent head, elbows poised on his knees, hands twitching slightly. There’s a line in the sand where the protection of the grotto ends. The rain dyes the pure white sand of the cave a heavy greyish-brown, only a little ways past their feet – their soles pressed into the soft ground. There’s a faint whizzing sound from the sudden drop in temperature, though the ocean’s waves are still louder over the rain. No animals are awake at this hour. The seashore is too rocky to harbor more than crabs, burrowing sand creatures, and a few seabirds. Despite the clouds, the scenery outside is lighter than the darkness of the cave. Checking over his shoulder, Killua sees only a thin speck of red emitting from the fire.

Gon knows his friend has been brooding over something – the shadows beneath his absent eyes give that away easily enough, especially when combined with his hollow presence, for Killua’s aura is subdued and withdrawn as he looks back at the grey ocean.

“Doesn’t look like it’s past midnight yet,” Gon observes. He points up. “Yeah, you can see the sky behind the rain clouds sometimes. Look.”

Killua looks. He can’t see anything past the thick allover of grey that covers the sky… No wait… he spots the dark cracks of cerulean that cut through the grey – revealing a sky bedazzled with bright stars.

They watch it together, for a time…

Killua’s silver-blue eyes are glazed – as if his mind has been somewhere else for so long that he can hardly recall reality anymore.

The dampness in the air makes droplets form on Killua’s skin, causing him to shiver. When he’s in this state, he can’t control of his body’s maintenance functions – unlike usual. He knows his trembling from last night… hadn’t been from embarrassment.

“Do you remember when we were on Whale Island, looking up at the sky?” Gon asks. Auric hands hover over the sand between his legs. From Gon’s bulging shoulder muscles, Killua sees the gash he left the other night when he was retreating with his claws, a cleanly cut light scar on Gon’s dark skin. Killua had nearly forgotten about it after they’d spent yesterday acting as if nothing was wrong…

He knows what Gon’s trying to do; his gaze falls to the wet sand just beyond their feet. “Gon, I…”

Gon turns to him in alarm – at how weak he sounds – really starting to fear what Killua was thinking about.

Killua feels his stomach leap into his throat. His head jerks back, forced lucidity reentering his eyes. “Ah, never mind.” A bittersweet smirk appears on his lips. _I still can’t say it…_ “I just couldn’t sleep – is all.” _I can’t say what’s actually on my mind…_ “Could we –?” He bars himself from finishing.

He was about to say: _Could we go back to sleep?_ but no… He can’t…

He woke up again in an utter mess – too lost in his mind to realize where he was or what he was doing, until he saw Gon sleeping next to him in the sand… The sound of Gon’s breaths calmed him so he could get away this time, but the images… the memories…

He had to get away from Gon before he did something unforgivable.

Gon watches Killua struggle with what to say. His act isn’t fooling Gon – his eyes keep unfocusing and refocusing, pale fingers clenching and unclenching in the sand…

 _Gon still doesn’t know just how close I was to hurting him,_ Killua chokes out in despair. Gon doesn’t know how often he wishes he could hurt his family – make them suffer and pay for what they’ve done – though he hardly questioned their morals throughout it all… So does he even deserve to think of himself as any different…?

Gon doesn’t know how often he still hears Illumi’s voice trilling in his head – urging him to kill, that it’s his only defense, his only option the moment something goes wrong – how the same blackness grips his heart. _Keep on killing!_ _Keep on lying!_ _Falsify it all like the murderer you truly are…! And that’s all you’ll ever be._

Gon doesn’t know how many times he’s cried since he realized what he’s become, seeing who he used to be…

So much of it… was thanks to Gon… And he feels stupid for believing he can ever truly escape what he’s done, who he is. He’s stupid for believing he can change any more than he already has…

Even after all this time… he can’t seem to.

He resorted to murder when Gon was in trouble. He resorted to threats and blackmail when people gave him and Alluka a hard time on their journey – not knowing they were of the Zoldyck Family – mistaking them for innocent children.

 _At heart, I’m still an assassin. I haven’t changed at all. I almost hurt Gon… I almost…!_ _I could have –!_

Last night, and the night before… it was too much…

…Gon doesn’t know how Killua longs for his touch and cannot dare to say it…

Being so close to someone without any barriers… it always ensnared him in memories of the past. When his family members used to have to force him to take the beatings, their hands gripping him rapaciously as they restrained him. Their chillingly soft, close, and soothing voices assuring him that it was all worth it – that the torture _couldn’t hurt that bad_ if it meant to make him stronger, and he would become the best assassin to ever live – the culmination of all the Zoldycks before him – the most skilled and revered professional murderer for his way with death and suffering…

He believed them.

That was so long ago now – everything from that time feels like nothing more than a fog in his mind. Killing lost its luster, and the searing torture faded to a dull ache.

It wasn’t worth anything. They had lied.

After removing Illumi’s needle, he’d been able to forget what it felt like these last three years – letting someone control him. Because being with Gon had been enough…

It was enough to let him pretend he was a normal kid for once, for those two years before the war, at least…

But, after being apart for so long… knowing what he really needs… what he truly desires…

“Gon… just what are you hoping to do…?”

Killua’s voice is barely recognizable – solemn and low, not a single hint of his jaunty best friend. Gon watches him in fearful concern. “What?”

“I mean, with this trip…” says Killua. “After we get to Greed Island, then what…?” Gon’s lost look reminds Killua of the face he wore before they parted at the World Tree, along with the words, _“This is no good, if we stay here any longer…”_ However, this time Gon looks frightened as well as confused.

It’s his fault for not telling Gon sooner, how he feels… driving Gon to risk everything in a lonely suicide mission…

He hates how his artless actions don’t match his words, hurting everyone around him…

_If we keep this up…_

Then…?

_I just! Can’t! Say it!_

_I don’t know how much more of this I can bear, Gon…_

A grin grows on Gon’s lips and Killua feels his stomach do a bellyflop. “I was going to ask you the same thing,” says Gon. “Remember when we were on Whale Island, sitting like this under the stars? We promised to stick together, until you found what you truly wanted…”

 _Of course I remember,_ Killua wants to retort. _How could I not…?_

“I’m really glad you found what you wanted to do, traveling with Alluka…” _Actually,_ he suppresses from saying aloud, _it made me really sad…_

_Please, Gon… you don’t know what you’re saying…_

“I’m glad you had a good time with her.” _But I really missed you…_

“Oh…?” _I didn’t leave because I wanted to, though that was part of it…_

“Yeah…” Gon buries his toes in the sand, wiggling them until they poke through the surface. He says nothing more, trying to distract himself from the longing spreading from his gut. He wants to take Killua’s hands in his own and hold him near – to never let go – but…

If he did that, Killua might run away again… farther and faster than Gon could ever hope to catch up to him… There’s no way he can do such a thing.

Killua hates to bring up what he’s thinking when Gon seems so sad. He wishes he could live in a haze, like during those idyllic years that feel like a distant reverie. He knows he has to say something, lest something worse happens later on.

“Gon… there’s something I should tell you.”

Immediately, Gon’s gaze fixes on him in fear – as well as eagerness.

“I want to go with you to Greed Island,” says Killua, “but…”

The rain fills the void of silence. His words drift away with the rolling sea…

Gon slowly lets go of the breath he’d been holding. “But…?”

 _What it seems like you’re trying to do…_ “This…” Killua sucks in. “I can’t.”

For the first time since they started talking, Killua’s voice is something other than monotone. His voice cracked on the last word.

Gon doesn’t understand. “…What?”

Killua gathers himself best he can, but his head spins round and round as he remembers slivers of the past – the good and the bad. His family’s lies and manipulation, against Gon’s honest, affectionate words, all to be destroyed by _it means nothing to you_ and an explosion that shattered everything he thought he knew…

Encumbered by an infernal repetition of _I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t_ rather than the words he can never say aloud, “I can’t do it,” is all he’s able to say.

Gon wracks his mind for what he could possibly mean. _He can’t… “do it”? Is “it” Greed Island…?_

Before everything had fallen apart, when they still had the childish notion that they could rule the world, they’d played the deadliest game… It was when they were closest, but like back then… Killua is still so far away…

“…Do you want to part ways here?”

Gon’s voice trembles and Killua turns toward him in distress, knowing full well what he’ll see – dark, sunken eyes, and the shell of the boy he adores with all his heart. _Why can’t I say it?! How many times will it take until I can finally get something right?!_ “No – DON’T YOU DARE THINK I WOULD LEAVE YOU AGAIN!”

In such a rush of emotion, Killua rose to his knees and took hold Gon’s arms, violently shaking him. Gon watches Killua in shock, not moving an inch. Killua’s damp, pale chest heaves in frustration and pain. Gon finds himself breathing rapidly as well.

Stilled now, Killua’s hands fall, along with the rest of his body, cringing back from what he’s just done – and what he is unable to do. He slumps into the sand, focusing on his twitching hands. Feebly, he apologizes, “S-sorry, I just…” He can’t trust himself with more than this, knowing the violence he’s capable of.

“Killua…” Gon has barely moved from his spot in the sand, though now he faces Killua. “What is it you can’t do…?”

Killua’s aura permeates with malaise. After causing Gon so much pain, he doesn’t feel he has the right to say it… but Gon deserves an explanation.

“I can’t…” The last five years create a vortex in his mind, one that Killua pushes back. _Gon deserves better than this, better than me…_ His eyes flash with the dark figure of a broken man bearing the face of his beloved best friend, weeping in a forest. _He deserves so much more than what I can give…_

“Last night,” Killua starts mechanically, closing off his mind from what he’s about to say, “when you were close to me…” His voice quivers, though he’d promised himself only moments before that he wouldn’t let himself cry. “It reminds me of the past,” he gasps out. Tears slide down his cheeks, his hands fly to his face, but Gon breaks his train of thought.

“I’m so sorry!” cries Gon. Tears stab at the corners of his eyes. “I’ll stop doing it if it’s causing you this much pain, even if I want to be close to you…”

Killua freezes, looking up as Gon wipes tears away.

“…What is it?” Gon sniffs.

“Do you…” Killua inhales, surprised by how quickly his mind has cleared. “Do you even realize what you’re saying?!”

Gon traces over the words in his head, his eyes rolling upward, toward the concave ceiling high above their heads. He feels his cheeks redden, until he gains enough confidence to say, “I mean it.” Killua feels ready to scream into the rain until Gon adds, “But if it causes you this much trouble…”

The ocean’s waves hide the sounds of Killua’s movements. Though he’s watching him, Killua still surprises Gon as he takes his wrist, pulling him forward. Before Gon can demand why, Killua’s hands are clasping his palm. Gon’s head heats more as Killua gently squeezes his fingers.

“I’m just so scared I’ll lose you again… over something that’s my fault…” Killua says this without hesitation, looking directly into Gon’s eyes. If nothing else, he’s sure of this. He’ll do everything in his power to make sure Gon never feels that the only escape is death. He knew all too well what it felt like…

Gradually, Gon grasps Killua’s fingers in return, afraid of holding onto him too tightly, in fear he’ll slip away. Grinning softly, Gon’s teary brown eyes fall downward, then peer up. “K-Killua… what can I do to help you?” _You’ve already done so much for me even though I don’t deserve it…_

Finally feeling a tinge of embarrassment at the scene, Killua flinches back from Gon’s tender smile. “…I don’t know.” _Is this okay?_ he asks. _Trusting someone not to hurt me…_ trusting himself not to hurt Gon…

Gon’s hand starts to feel heavy, and Gon leans forward in worry. “I mean it, Killua. Would it help if I asked you about it more often? What do you want me to do?”

_Don’t answer him – he’ll only use you like all the others._

“I don’t know –”

_As if someone else can help you. You’re too broken to ever truly be free of your old ways –_

Over his distrustful inner voice, Killua hollers in hurried desperation, “It doesn’t matter! Do whatever you want!”

Gon blinks at the spontaneous declaration. Killua watches in agony as it sinks in, for there’s a glimmer in Gon’s eyes, somewhat matching that of the raging storm. He places his other hand on top of his and Killua’s, raising them near his chin.

_I’m going to come to regret this._

“Then –!”

Killua yanks his hands away in embarrassment. Seeing the disappointment on Gon’s face, he swiftly suggests, “Let’s go splash around in the rain.”

Killua stands, running into the icy cold shower, spreading his arms and looking up at the darkened sky.

This is all an elaborate distraction, Gon knows – Killua’s trying to run from what he’s said, what he told Gon to do…

Gon remains in the safety of the grotto, watching Killua get soaked, face pointed up in a squiggly grin.

_How strange…_

The occasional moonlight, peering through the clouds – it gives Killua a certain ethereality.

_Did he always shine this bright?_

Gon stands, then dashes out to Killua – endeavoring with all his might to understand the  fallowed moonlight shining around him in this great, dark world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Author's Note: This chapter was the most difficult to write by far – I couldn’t find the name of those jelly cakes I see people eating in anime all the time! But forreal… Hopefully it didn’t turn out too terribly… *waves flag of defeat/accomplishment* [Edit (11/26/2017): I finally found the name of the cake – it wasn’t cake at all! It was pudding!]
> 
> Given all the suffering in this chapter, I thought it best to release it _before_ Killua’s birthday tomorrow since there is a lot of angst in it. Welp, hope I wasn’t too hard on the electric marshmallow. (Haha let’s be honest: rip.)
> 
> I also released a HxH one-shot featuring Gon called _Heart’s Desire_! I really hope you’ll check it out, and that you enjoyed this chapter and will leave your thoughts below~


	7. Chapter 7

**~ Chapter 7 ~**

* * *

The New Year's festival was finally underway. In the light of pill-shaped paper lanterns, Hanzo led the group of Hunters through the stalls and kiosks filled with fox masks, carnival games, and touristic souvenirs. He'd provided the group with an assortment of yukata beforehand so they would fit in. Gon, Killua, and Alluka were no exceptions. Adorning a shimmery light green yukata with yellow sunflowers embroidered into the cloth, Gon waved a crème colored fan in his face as he delightedly took in the sights. Beside him, Killua wore a dark navy blue yukata with snow-white dandelion wisps on the front, and on Gon's other side, Alluka was dressed in a pink-magenta yukata, pink sakura flowers spattering into magenta across the frontside.

Gon didn't fail to notice his positioning between the Zoldyck siblings as they walked. Before, when they'd ventured through the town near the World Tree, Killua and Alluka had hardly been separable, yet now, there seemed to be a distance spreading between them. Gon was included between them now.

"In my country," Hanzo called over his shoulder, carrying many bundles of blankets on his shoulders, "the New Year is our most important celebration, meant to symbolize the continual renewal of life. Each New Year serves as a gateway into a future of prosperity, leaving the past to fade into memory. So, enjoy the lively atmosphere, and allow all your troubles to disappear!"

The ninja brought them to a place devoid of the light of the kiosks: a field of grass before the river, its water white with the light of the festival across the way. Gon's presumptions were further confirmed when Alluka turned to Killua to say, "Brother, I'm gonna go sit with Palm and Bisky, okay?"

Killua's eyes widened in surprise, but he quickly recovered. "Sure," he said, smiling and nodding to her – though he stared as Hanzo handed Gon a blanket for them to lay down on the grass.

Beside them, Morel thrust a thumb toward the chest hair sticking out over the loose top of his violet yukata. "Right! I say we find some good booze before we get this thing started."

Knuckle placed his hands on his hips in disappointment, looking absurd in a yukata when the rest of him screamed  _thug life_. "Tch. Master, this is supposed to be a celebration, not a bar party."

"That's true," Shoot agreed – compared to everyone else, his attire was about the same as usual. "We're supposed to drink after the fireworks."

Morel frowned. "You guys are no fun."

"Now, now, Mr. Morel," Bisky said, turning around and gesturing down with one hand. "I got us some high class saké for the afterparty."

"Oooh, much obliged! Where have you been all my life, drinking buddy?!"

Beside Bisky, Palm closed her eyes.

"Don't you drink, Ms. Palm?" Alluka inquired.

The aquatic scaly woman said, "No. It only clouds my judgement and makes me see visions of places I'd rather not." She smiled at Alluka, her white yukata shifting with her movement. "Watching the fireworks with Ms. Alluka at my side will be enough for me."

Alluka beamed excitedly and leaned against her. "You're like my older sister!"

Ikalgo and Meleoron spread out a blanket for themselves while Hanzo and Knov chose to sit together – which Killua found to be a strange matchup until he realized,  _I guess being bald is something in common._ "Hey Hanzo, is there any food around here?"

The ninja's arms were folded serenely in the sleeves of his black yukata, legs crossed upward on the grass. "Our feast will be held after the fireworks at midnight. You can find a snack among the stalls if you want, but there won't be anything big."

Gon spoke up behind Killua. "What would you recommend for a snack, Mr. Hanzo?"

The ninja raised a hand to his sharply-chiseled chin. "Well, takoyaki is one of my favorites – there should be plenty of stalls selling it at this time of year."

Ikalgo looked up from smoothing out his blanket with both tentacles. "Hey, what's takoyaki?"

Using his mysterious tone of voice, Hanzo began saying, "Well, it's meat wrapped in some kind of breading, but its main ingredient is –" He stopped himself just in time.

"Yes?" Killua pushed impatiently while everyone stood waiting.

Hanzo scrambled for an answer, arms flailing about him. "I-it's seafood! S-some type of seafood – I'm not sure what kind exactly – but that's the main ingredient!"

Killua and Ikalgo watched him skeptically while Gon blinked between them.

"In any case, you two should have enough time to get something to snack on before the fireworks start," Knov said, saving a very grateful Hanzo from having to explain himself – he breathed out exaggeratedly in relief.

"Right," said Killua. "Hey, Alluka." He directed his voice to the other blanket. "Wanna come?"

He must have interrupted her and Palm's conversation, because they were both laughing when Alluka realized he'd called for her. "Oh, no, I'll stay here, Brother!"

Killua sank back in his sandals. "…Okay. Let's go, Gon."

"I'm coming too," said Ikalgo, jogging up behind them.

"Really?" Meleoron whined. "You're going to leave me here to smoke all by myself?"

"You aren't supposed to smoke in public places anyway," Ikalgo remarked back, unamused. "Besides, I want to see what's up with this 'takoyaki' stuff."

"I don't think think that's a good idea," said Killua.

"Why's that?" Ikalgo asked.

"Didn't you get it by how Hanzo was acting? It's probably made of octopus or something."

Ikalgo's peach-colored body turned stark pale. "M-MADE OF O-OCTOPUS?!" So shaken by this, he didn't move for another ten minutes after sitting back down on his blanket, even as Meleoron talked his ears off about the quality of Japponian cigarettes.

"Killua, don't you think that was kind of insensitive?" Gon whispered, leaning forward with a hand to Killua's ear.

"What? I just told him the truth," he said in full volume. "Better to be warned now than find out later. Imagine if he'd eaten some without knowing!"

Ikalgo continued to mutter under his breath without pause at that, causing Gon to turn. "Killua…!"

"Argh, let's just go!" The ex-assassin stomped off on the path toward the festival, Gon jogging behind him.

When Gon caught up to Killua, he couldn't help how his cheeks heated at Killua's grouchy behavior. Even as they doddered through the kiosks lined on either side of the dirt path, when Gon pointed out a cat keychain with a large head and sharp eyes to Killua, he drank up every second of Killua's bubbly reaction. "Eeeh! It's so cute!" Killua purred. Intently watching his friend's face as he fondled the keychain between his fingertips, the moment Gon realized what he was doing, he shook his head, resisting the urge to slap himself on the cheeks.  _Now isn't the time!_

They shared a tray of steaming hot takoyaki, blowing furiously to cool them down. Upon eating one, Killua exclaimed, "Hanzo's right, these  _are_ delicious," and Gon nodded vigorously in agreement.

As they headed back, the stalls were becoming deserted as everyone finished up shopping and made for the river to watch the fireworks.

"Did Knov say the fireworks started in twenty minutes…?" Gon asked.

"It's in ten minutes, now," said Killua.

"Oh…" Gon noticed Killua's distracted gaze. He didn't have any pockets, so his hands remained slightly raised by his sides, but he seemed to be thinking hard about something. "I'm sorry Alluka didn't want to come with us."

"Huh?" Startled, Killua turned to him.

 _He_ was  _thinking about something,_ Gon affirmed in half-triumph – his arms swished in the large sleeves of his green yukata. "You wanted her to come with us, didn't you?"

Slowly, Killua's head drifted back forward. "Yeah, but – that's not it…"

"She's been spending a lot of time with Palm and Bisky," Gon ruminated aloud, still watching Killua out of the corner of one eye.

Killua said nothing for a while. Neither did Gon – he didn't know how to ask. All the time Alluka had been spending with Bisky and Palm was time him and Killua had been spending together…

Eventually, Killua stopped in their path. Gon looked back at him in inquiry.

"Gon, wanna find a better place to watch the fireworks?"

And that's how they were sitting alone together, side-by-side on a cliff not too far from the festival, overlooking the entire area. The bright lights of the festival glimmered on the surface of the river water; they could even see the others with their blankets spread out among all the people now gathered there. No doubt wondering where Gon and Killua had gotten themselves off to, Knuckle was on his feet and talking hotly to the others in their group, until he finally slumped down with his arms crossed.

Gon kicked out his legs off the edge of the cliff, humming to himself as the breeze blew between them. Killua sat calmly beside him. They were seventeen now, and a lot had changed – but some things hadn't. Their time together since Killua arrived was proof enough of that.

Within Gon's eyes were the lights scattered down below as he swayed side to side with the movement of his legs beneath his light green and yellow yukata. Feeling Killua watching him, he turned his head, grinning. "What is it?"

Killua chuckled before quickly looking away. "Nothing. The moon looks pretty tonight."

Gon looked up to see it was full, and glowing faintly turquoise in the clear night. "Yeah," he said, furrowing his eyebrows, about to turn back to Killua when an arm passed over his shoulder. Killua's body was pressed against Gon now, and Gon found himself locked in place, unable to move or utter a sound as they looked up at the white glowing disk in the sky. Killua's voice was soft and nostalgic when he murmured, so close to Gon's ear. "We've come a long way, huh?"

As if planned, a pop like a BB gun went off down below, and a single firework erupted in the sky. They splashed out in all different colors. Reds and golds. Blues and purples. Oranges. Yellows. Greens, and pink. Killua hadn't moved from his spot beside Gon. Although Gon sensed embarrassment beginning to twitch the elbow crooked around his neck, he didn't dare break their contact, due to the heat gathered in his cheeks.

He didn't understand why. Many things had come to pass between him and Killua – the only difference was that they were older – why was he suddenly feeling differently about his best friend now?

_No, it isn't different…_

Killua was still his best friend… still is.

And yet… that wasn't all…?

"Killua," Gon finally blurted over the fireworks' explosions. He turned his head toward his friend, the surprised ex-assassin – a thought that only made Gon's cheeks redden more. Their faces were so near, but Gon could hardly think about that along with everything else he was thinking. "Thank you for still being with me. You're still my best friend, you know. I never stopped thinking that, even after we separated."

Killua's arm slid off Gon's shoulder. He looked out to the fireworks, each one coloring his white hair and silver-blue eyes.

Gon felt a frog leap into his throat. "Did you…?"

The fireworks finished. The people below were packing up their things to go home. The entire place reeked with the smell of smoke – and an eerie silence brought about by the fireworks' conclusion. It felt like an eternity before Killua answered, his voice quiet, eyes downcast. "We've been through so much together, and you still feel like you have to thank me…?"

Gon hadn't expected this response. "Yeah, I mean it," he spoke, dumbfounded. "I've really appreciated your company through everything…" Gon looked away from him now, toward the small figures of Alluka, Ikalgo, Knuckle, Shoot, Meleoron, Bisky, Morel, Knov, and Hanzo, gathering their blankets and leaving down below. Their figures blurred in his vision, his eyes misting with snapshots of the past. "Even though I was always such a burden and ended up hurting you in every situation… You're… too good to me."  _I don't deserve a friend as good as you…_

Killua put his arms around Gon's shoulders and pulled him close. He didn't say anything. Gon couldn't understand his suddenly affectionate behavior, but his tears nearly dissolved – it felt nice. He was safe and warm.

So in shock, Gon didn't react to him until nearly a minute after, when his hands closed around Killua's back. Gon took in the strongest whiff of Killua he ever had then – overwhelmed by the Transmuter's fruity odor, created by auratic sweat.

Had they ever hugged like this before, more than something quick and friendly…?

Killua soon leaned away, his arms coming off of Gon completely. "You already apologized for what happened and I forgave you – so wipe that sad look off your face. You're still my best friend too – of course you are."

Gon watched as a hand flew to his fluffy head and Killua faced the trees. The feeling Gon had been trying to suppress since their first outing together… was now making his heart pound uncontrollably in his ears.

It didn't stop until they got back to the teahouse, where everyone else – save Alluka and Palm, nowhere to be found – was already drunk. Even Chimera Ants Ikalgo and Meleoron, as well as Knov, decided to let loose for the New Year party.

"Ah, Gon and Killua!" Morel bellowed at them from the table, saké mug raised high. "There you are! Why don't you come join us?!"

"We're underage," Killua told him once sliding the front door closed behind Gon.

Bisky slurred, "Don't be such a sourpuss – we won't tell anyone!"

"Aren't you supposed to set an example for us as our teacher?!" Killua shrieked at her with his hands on the hips of his navy blue and white-willowed yukata. "C'mon, let's go." It took Gon a moment to realize Killua was talking to him.

"Killua?! Don't you want to spend time with everyone else?" He tried to catch up in the hallway.

"When they're that drunk?" Killua shot back behind him. "You have to be joking."

When Killua banged open the sliding door to his and Alluka's room, he found Alluka and Palm sitting with their backs facing him. Palm's hands ran through Alluka's rippling raven locks.

"Oh, we were just –"

"Whatever, you can have the room," he said before Palm could finish, slamming the door shut again.

"Hey!" came Palm's voice from inside. "Cheeky brat." Alluka giggled a little. "That's my Brother!"

Killua just stood outside the doorway, his back against the wall.

"Killua…?"

"I don't know."

 _I didn't even ask anything,_ Gon realized.

"What do you want to do?" he said, glancing up.

"Uh, we could go to my room?"

Killua leaned off the wall and walked forward, hands behind his head. "Sure."

_That was fast…_

"You left your fishing pole at home this time?" Killua asked.

"Yeah…"

They'd taken off and folded up their respective yukata, laying them near the door. In their normal clothes now – for Gon, a black sleeveless shirt and green shorts, for Killua, who stood against the wall, a white T-shirt and black shorts. Killua hesitated, seeing how Gon sat on the floor without looking him in the eye. "So tell me, Gon… Have you been training at all?"

"Not really…"

"But you want to, right?"

"Yeah. But…"

"But…?"

"I'm not nearly as strong as I used to be. Definitely not in Nen, anyway. Also… I'm not sure… that I want to be…"

Killua couldn't argue with that – in fact, he was somewhat relieved. "Then we'll work on your physical strength," he said without missing a beat.

"Huh?" Gon looked up at him.  _We?_ "What about you, Killua? You haven't been training a lot either, have you?"

"Is it that obvious?"

Gon nodded. "Yeah."

"Well, you're right. I've been protecting Alluka, but we've had a pretty smooth going of things for the most part. I haven't had to use my abilities much, which has been fine by me, but…"

"But…?"

Killua smiled at him. "But now that we're together again, I feel like we should? It's what we always did in the past."

Gon smiled too. "Yeah… same here… We were always trying to get stronger together, so…" He hesitated before asking. "So then does that mean… you plan to stay longer…?"

Killua shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

Gon cocked his head sideways, squinting a little. "You guess…?"

Killua sat down beside him on the floor. "Well, Alluka seems to be really enjoying herself, but I don't know how much longer Palm and Bisky plan on staying, so it really depends."

"Oh…"  _But what about… after…_ Gon didn't know how to ask. He didn't want to be separated from Killua again…

"You could come with us, if you want," Killua said cautiously.

Gon panicked at hearing the words – even if it was exactly what he wanted. "A-are you sure? I don't want to infringe on your time with Alluka – if you'd rather part here, then –"

"Aah, I've had more than two years with her." Killua leaned back with his hands on his crossed ankles, closing his eyes. "She likes being around other people, and I haven't seen tail nor sign of Illumi in that time."  _Only what I get from my dreams and imagination,_  anyway, he thought, shuddering at the bloody images brought by his nightmares. "We're best friends, aren't we? We should stick together."

Gon's pounding heart broke free from its cage of nervousness. He nodded while smiling, wider than he had in, well, years. "Yeah. I think so too."

 _Then you should have just said so…_ But Killua knew why he didn't. "So I'll tell you when. There isn't anything you need to go get back at home, is there?"

"No, I have everything here."  _I have you…_

"Too bad. I kind of wanted to say hi to Aunt Mito and Grandma Abe again."

"Mm…"

They burst out giggling at the same time.

"Man, I feel like a little kid again!" Gon snickered.

"Same here!"

Later on that night, Killua checked to see if Alluka and Palm were finished in his room, only to find Palm had snatched all the yukata – and other formal Japponian attire – Hanzo had brought, and the two were taking turns trying it on. It was past 5 AM now, and the adults were starting to pass out in the main room from intoxication, but there were some – like Bisky, Morel, Hanzo, and Meleoron – still alive and kicking. Killua was too exhausted to fight the ladies for the room, but the moment he turned around, Alluka and Palm each snatched him with one hand on the shoulder, and pulled him kicking and screaming into starring in their fashion show. Eventually Gon came in looking for him and found him posing energetically with arms and legs spread and a charming smile, yukata sleeves hanging low enough to touch the floor, and gorgeous flower pins in his hair. Upon seeing Gon in the doorway, Killua immediately snapped to standing normally, his face lighting beet red and – if they weren't already snickering before – Alluka and Palm broke out laughing. When Gon rushed to sit next to them, eyes sparkling, eagerly leaning forward, and asking that they continue, they couldn't help rolling on the floor in laughter.

"What's so funny?" Gon asked in confusion, only causing Alluka and Palm to roar louder.

Killua crossed his arms over himself in embarrassment. "Jeez, I'm done with you guys!" Alluka seemed to be having fun though, so he yanked Gon up and demanded they torment him instead – to which, of course, Alluka and Palm responded by forcing them to perform a team fashion show instead.

Two hours later, arms crossed and exhausted, Killua plopped back down on the ground in Gon's room.

"Unbelievable," he grumped.

Gon giggled, unable to shake the feeling of synchronicity and exhilaration he'd felt with Killua "onstage" with Alluka and Palm cheering them on. "I thought it was fun. Want to just sleep in here tonight?"

Killua looked at him out of the corner of one eye. "Sure, sounds like the best plan."

Dodging the two girls before they dragged him into trying something  _else_ on, Killua gathered his bedding, pillow, toothbrush, etcetera, from his room and laid it all out beside Gon's.

Gon yawned as he turned over in his bed, smiling. "Sweet dreams, Killua."

"Yeah, good night."

For some reason, that alone made Killua's heart flutter as he shut his eyes to welcome a night of soothing dreams – the best he'd had in a long, long time…

* * *

**~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

It hadn't been long after that that Killua stopped Gon in the cliffside forest, made him promise never to forsake his life again… That area of Jappon was temporal, being so near to the ocean. Snow rarely came and quickly melted during the winter months.

The freezing rain cleared Killua's head enough to understand what he said to Gon, that he was allowed to do anything. They go back to sleep in the grotto with warmth in their breaths against the coldness of the air, redressing in dry clothes, speaking no more of what was previously discussed… but Gon lays awake for a long time, watching shadows move on the jagged ceiling.

The next morning, the air is chilly, and the ocean is as loud as ever. Their fire is no more than cinders. All that needs to be done is to gather up their things and go.

Both of them spring across rocky mountain-land to reach their destination – it turned into a race, as per usual, so they're traveling twice as fast. "We should reach the City of Airships by noon if we keep this pace up," Killua pants.

"Yeah, I hope so!" Gon pants back.

It isn't long before the salty ocean air and crashing waves fade behind them, enveloped by an endless maze of mountains made of sandy argillite and grey metamorphic rock, rising and falling in many stacked layers. Here, the only animals visible are mountain goats and birds of prey. All others dwell in the cracks around them, crafty eyes sizing up whether it would be worth attacking prey so large.

After three days of procrastinating in the countryside, when Gon and Killua heave themselves up onto a tall platform of rock to catch their breaths, sweating and tired. When the hum of an airship passes right over their heads, they can't help but feel a sense of accomplishment. It's going in the same direction they are, much to their delight, which gives them enough incentive to race the remainder of the journey.

More airships pass over them and the mountains around them as they near the city, congregating at a blank spot in the rock that's closer with every minute. It's a small plateau where they're all landing, segregated from the rest of the mountains by the river that encircles it. Buildings stack near the water and each of the lower platforms below the plateau, in all different colors, as if they're giant steps leading up to the main landing pad in the sky, for the city itself is actually quite extensive. Behind this, the mountains of granite drop off into a darkland full of dense unexplored forests, stretching far into the distance.

"We made it!" says Gon, pointing toward the warehouses of green, yellow, and silver airships lined in rows upon rows on the large landing pad. "I can see why it's called 'the city of airships.' There are so many! Let's go."

Before Gon can take a step, Killua, still bent over and panting, asks, "Wait, so which one of us got here first?"

"Oh, I didn't notice… How about we just call it a tie?"

"Really?" says Killua, wiping his cheek with one arm as he stands up. "You don't wanna rock-paper-scissors for it?"

"But we never dictated what the reward would be…"

"That's true…"

"We still have a little ways to go, and the climb to the top of that plateau from the bottom of the city is going to be the hardest yet. So let's get going!"

"Yeah, and we need to restock our supplies," says Killua – the backpack feels much lighter now that it isn't occupied with raw meat and so many apples. "C'mon."

They cross a bridge over the river, into the shadow of the plateau. Climbing down took longer than they thought. It's mid-afternoon now. Sick of eating nothing but fruit – and some fish – for the last few days, they sit down in the first restaurant they see: an out-of-the-way sandwich diner, likely family-run by how small it is, though they hark up a decent crowd even after lunchtime.

"After this we should go shopping," says Gon, sipping orange juice. His yellow bag sits in the booth beside him.

"And for some clothes," says Killua, leaning on one elbow. "We've only worn the same three outfits for the last two months."

"We can't carry many more clothes though," Gon mumbles, focused on his straw.

"Just because  _you_ don't mind wearing the same outfit for years at a time doesn't mean I do! We're stopping at a clothing shop first."

"Fine, fine."

"Will you tell them I want a tuna sandwich? I need to go to the bathroom."

"Sure."

Gon barely looks at Killua as he stands from the booth.  _I guess he's more physically drained than he's been letting on,_ Killua smirks. They had taken to training in the gym before departing from Alluka, but even so, three years ago Gon could have gone twice that distance over rocky terrain – they had daily with Bisky in Greed Island. Of course, Killua ignores his own aching lungs and limbs for the sake of his own pride.

Nothing has been significantly different between them today. While washing his hands, Killua can't help but wonder if their talk last night had been a dream…

His phone rings, and when he takes it out of his pocket, there's no name on the screen. For no particular reason, he answers it anyway, raising it to his ear. "Hello?"

A wave of foreboding sweeps over him the moment the person on the other side takes a breath to speak. Wracking his entire body with chills of fear, the voice, sharp as stripped steel, jangles harshly in his mind.

"Hey, Killu."

The cavalier assassin continues lightly, "I got a tip from one of my spies that you're currently in the City of Airships. Did you really think you could hide from me forever?"

 _How did he get my new number?!_ Killua searches his mind impossibly for the answer. He killed all those men back at the seaport… who else could have seen them? Who's following them?!

His older brother's conversational tone congeals threateningly with the next words: "I heard that pesky kid Gon is with you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Author's Note: I've heard from a few readers that it's been confusing figuring out what's a flashback and what's in the present – frankly, I sometimes confuse myself with this story's timeline, but there is a method to my madness! When I'm writing about an event before the present storyline of the two-to-three months that Gon and Killua have been traveling together, such as right after they reunited, or another event in the distant/unspecified past, I use the past tense. When I'm writing about them traveling together after parting with Alluka, I write in present tense. Hopefully that helps some!
> 
> This is the last chapter I'm writing before I go off to college… I hope you liked it! Please, please, please don't forget to leave your thoughts~


	8. Chapter 8

**~ Chapter 8 ~**

* * *

Darkness had fallen like a curtain over the world down below. City lights glistened on mountaintops, in large valleys, and on flat farmlands, as if poured there from conjuring bowls of the gods filled with dazzling gems.

From the bow of an airship gliding gently through the sky, Killua’s lips tightened at the thought.

Long ago, before they'd become friends… sitting side-by-side on an airship flying toward the next phase in the Hunter Exam, Gon had said similar words.

_“It’s like the ground is covered in jewels!”_

Alluka breathed softly as she snoozed in the chair beside the pro ex-assassin, the low hum of the propellers reverberating in the spacious airship, lulling his thoughts into self-reflection; it certainly wasn’t the first time; he was constantly doing so.

He found a new purpose in life. Just as he’d set out to do long ago.

The Zoldyck siblings had escaped the treacherous clutches of Illumi, but… _Illumi wasn’t the only reason I left._

In his mind’s eye was the sickly-orange light of that night. The sound of an impact, screeching with uncontained power, flashing again for the next punch. Blue blood splattered across the trees and ground in front of him – and then, as Killua approached from behind, he saw the eyes of a dead man pounding what was left of his beloved friend deep into the ground.

He’d arrived too late. All he could do was stand there, the gears spinning frantically in that accursed analytical mind of his – unable to compute much else as he thought of the _reasons_ , the _actions_ , the _logic_ that brought Gon to that point… none of the emotion involved at all.

Before Killua knew it, he found himself screaming Gon’s name, understanding that all he’d been worried about had come true… but “Gon” was no more.

That’s what he’d thought, hauling what was left of his beloved best friend through the forest, over miles and miles of deserted terrain, searching for any trace of the modern world, anyone that could possibly help them.

So many times, Gon’s consciousness slipped – he stopped breathing, his pulse dead – and Killua was shaking, doing everything he could not to have a mental breakdown as he set what was left of his friend on the ground, sparking electricity between his fingertips and laying them on Gon’s heart, crying as he begged any higher power that was listening to spare him.

_“No, no, no, please don’t do this! Please don’t leave me here! It’s my fault this happened – I wasn’t there to save you! You can’t go! I should have been there –! I should have died too! Please, you can’t leave me here alone, Gon! Don’t die without me! Please…! GON…!”_

Killua sat back in the airship. No, Illumi wasn’t the only reason he left at all…

He’d never had a friend until Gon, never felt worthy of such a thing. He’d killed when commanded – or whenever something pissed him off enough – to the point that it was no longer about his career, but a matter of his pride or theirs.

_They made me this way!_ His fingers clenched into fists. _They’re_ the ones who forced him to act in such a manner, rendering him unable to make friends, unable to function in normal society, but… He releases the tension in his hands.

_Did they really…?_

After all, he’d learned the consequences and he continued to kill anyway. Murder was commended, expected – even _pleasurable_ for him, but not for his other family members. He was raised differently than them. He was thought to be the best of them all because of it.

And yet… why…

Why had his soul felt so empty…?

_“Please don’t leave me alone!”_

Now he knows.

_“You can’t die without me!”_

Now he knows…

Once Gon’s heart restarted, he’d picked up the broken pieces of his sanity, hefting Gon’s near-lifeless body onto his back, and trudged forward, not feeling his legs as they screamed in agony, ignoring the tears bleeding from his eyes. Until it happened again.

But now he’d left his dearest friend alone.

The friend he’d promised to protect above even himself. The friend who changed his violent ways, warmed his desolate heart – who made him realize killing and being the strongest was not the only purpose to life. His friend, who had shown him what it felt like to be loved, what it felt to be important to someone for something other than murder… and what had he done…?

_Gon’s confident smile beamed back at him from the gates of the World Tree. “Kite said we’ll be friends no matter what!”_

Killua’s gaze falls past his fingers, gripping the wheel of the airship as he steers it through the night sky. _Even if that’s true… even if it is… I’m not sure… I can do this…_

In the hospital, when he’d first arrived, he could hardly say anything, hardly move, for his body was far past its physical limit. _“Please help him… please help Gon… do whatever it takes…”_ As the nurses and doctors got to work, pulling a curtain that was never to be drawn back again, he’d been so hopelessly lost in his own mind, unable to snap out of it for days. Sitting without food or rest before the window to Gon’s room. Nen Exorcist after Nen Exorcist took one look at the boy gradually rotting away and turned in horror.

The friend he wanted nothing more than to protect attempted death before his very eyes – the concept Killua had laughed at for so much of his childhood as he slashed the throats of thousands, plucked out their still-beating hearts. People who had nothing to do with him.

Gon trampled on every emotion Killua had felt since he first called him his “friend” – though it was unknowingly, of course. Once upon a time, life had been nothing but a game to him…

_It’s my own fault for never being honest about my feelings…_ It was Killua’s fault for never taking the time to properly thank Gon for all he had done for him, for all that Killua wanted to do in return – and what would Killua have done, had he been left alone…?

_It almost happened._

He wouldn’t have. That was how Gon already felt, hopeless and without purpose, because of him…

Killua had assumed Gon knew – should’ve known after everything, how he put all his energy, every waking thought into protecting him: the only person important to him, the person most important to him. But how could he have expected Gon to understand something so big?

He couldn’t have. Shouldn’t have. He can’t expect Gon – or anyone – to know how he feels without ever showing it. He couldn’t continue to rely on someone else, not even Gon, for his reason to live, not when Gon didn’t even know…

He’d been lucky to find a new purpose so quickly: protecting his little sister, whom he’d abandoned without thought.

So he ran away – like he always did. Like how he ran away from home. How he ran away from himself, rather than face how he truly felt.

He ran away, praying his friend’s demons would haunt him no more, knowing full-well he should be by his side, but knowing he could do nothing for him. He couldn’t show Gon how much he really loved him. Not even for Gon, the one person in the entire universe, who had shown him what it meant to love.

Alluka blinked awake to see her older brother hunched over the airship dashboard, palms over his eyes. He fought to control his tears.

“Brother…?”

* * *

  **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

“I got a tip from one of my spies that you’re currently in the City of Airships. Did you really think you could hide from me forever?” A short laugh, and then the threatening words, “I heard that pesky kid Gon is with you too.”

Killua says nothing. Any noise in the background could give Illumi an indication on their exact whereabouts. Any words of indignation may only serve to stall their escape.

Removing the phone from his ear, he smashes it against the bathroom countertop with a metallic crunch. Pieces of glass, plastic, and metal fly in all directions, the device fizzling as its innerworkings rotate to a stop. His shoulders tremble as he stands there with both hands on the sink, still not fully comprehending what just happened.

When he lifts his fingers from the wreckage, tiny cybernetic pieces are embedded in his hand. It stings slightly. The sudden output of electricity shot through his arm, charging him up and raising the hair on his head. He clasps the phone’s demolished beetle body between his palm and forefingers as he exits the bathroom, moving toward the booth where Gon sits looking languidly out the window, a hand to his chin. Perspiration beads on the outside of Gon’s champagne glass-shaped orange juice, while Killua’s mind spins like a circuit without end.

Gon turns to him and smiles, fish and chips set out before him. “Hey, Killua! The food is – eh, what happened…” His jaw slackens, the straw falling from his lips as he glances down at the ruined mobile phone in Killua’s hand, then up at his haggard expression.

“Gon, we have to leave.”

Gon’s brows part in surprise. “Wh-what?! Wh-why, our food just got here…”

Without thinking, Killua takes his arm, pulling him out of the booth. “We have to leave now!” Killua yells, the broken beetle phone clattering on their table, rattling their appetizer and startling Gon. Before he knows it, Killua has scooped him up into his arms, and their bodies are ignited with a mysterious white glow – a current of static electricity running through his ears. Fast movements – so fast Gon can hardly keep up with what’s happening – get them through the door, and the blur of a hundred surprised faces whizzes by as they scale the plateau to the holding bay of vacant airships.

At the top, Killua stops at the threshold of an airship and kicks the door from its hinges, nuts and bolts tinkling against the floor. He rushes to the control room and drops Gon into the passenger seat, taking the wheel. Killua’s laconic behavior leaves Gon dazed – he’s still glowing slightly with the power of electricity, though his hair is slowly settling back to a state no more wild than usual.

They’re in the sky by the time Gon registers what just happened.

“What are we doing?!” he says, standing in his seat. “We didn’t pay the restaurant for our food – and what happened to your phone?! I didn’t know you could do that with your Nen!”

The islander boy is caught between irritation and awe, unable to sit still. Now is no time for jokes, however. “While I was in the bathroom, I got a call,” says Killua. “It was from Illumi.”

This sobers Gon from his electricity high. “Wh-what…?”

“He knew our location –”

“WHAT?! He was right there and I had no idea?!”

“I didn’t talk to him long enough to find out if he was near us, or if he knew where we were sitting exactly.” Killua’s pulse drowns out all background noise – along with the remnants of electric current. He takes a deep breath, attempting to calm his anxiety. “But he knew we were in the City of Airships – said one of his spies tipped him off. We couldn’t risk sticking around to find out.”

The corners of Gon’s mouth flatten as the information sinks in. After a moment, he sits back down again, hands on his knees, looking out the window. “I didn’t notice anyone following us…”

“Neither did I,” Killua admits.

Before them, the darkland of overgrown trees shields the ground from the sun in a thick layer, mist rising from the forest floor.

“Did he say why he was after us?” Gon asks, watching the trees pass below.

“No – he didn’t even mention Alluka at all. But if it’s true he’s after me, then it’s likely he hasn’t found her.”

“Eh? Why?” Gon asks, turning to him.

“If he’d already found her, he would have tried to use her as a bargaining chip to get me to give myself up. But he didn’t.” Killua’s lips clamp shut. _Instead, he mentioned…_

_“I heard that pesky kid Gon is with you too.”_

Gon notices his yellow backpack thrown haphazardly against the wall to one side, appearing moderately singed. He can hear wind howling some ways underneath them. “…Did you really have to rip the door off its hinges when we came in?”

Killua’s brows and mouth tighten, but he says nothing.

“Besides, Killua, I never knew you could do that with your Nen ability. We were moving really fast! How does it work?”

Hands remaining stuck to the steering wheel, Killua snaps at him, “Gon, don’t you realize the kind of situation we’re in?!”

The other has only admiration, and now slight hesitation on his face. Killua’s aspectabund expression catches him off-guard, and Gon’s curiosity fades. It reminds him of another time. _“Do you really understand…?” “Promise you won’t move even if people are dying before your eyes!”_

Was that… annoyance or concern in his eyes?

Gon says, “Since we got away from the city so quickly, I’m not feeling like we’re in that much in danger, I guess…”

Again Killua says nothing. He sets his face forward and hardly moves as they ride in silence.

The sky is turning orange by the time Gon draws a hand to his empty stomach. Dried sweat lacquers his arms – his black muscle shirt still damp from their run through the mountain range. He glances toward Killua, looking similarly grimy in his navy-blue T-shirt, whose expression has transformed into an unreadable blankness now.

Aware of Gon’s staring, Killua sighs. “Let’s see if we can find something to eat.”

“Yeah.” _Finally…_

Killua clicks the bright red button reading “Autopilot” across its front.

The airship flies over the expansive ocean – with some redirection – to avoid land where mountains could pop up and crash the vessel, or where spies could track their flight. Using his electrified fingers, Killua patches up the gaping hole he left in the side of the airship by welding the sides of the door back to the metal walls.

In the pantry, canned goods and frozen foods are arrayed in the storage cabinets and refrigerator. It’s a dank space defined by its distinctly pasteurized and bucolic smell. Gon and Killua go for the meat, being as hungry as they are. While waiting for the oven to heat up their food, Killua empties cans from the cabinets, placing each one on the linoleum countertop for Gon to sort.

_There’s something about this…_ Something Gon can’t quite place his finger on. _Something familiar._

“You don’t think we could take Illumi on together?” he asks suddenly.

“Nah, he’s too powerful,” revokes Killua, standing between two cabinet doors.

Keen to Killua’s assurity in the statement, Gon watches him for a moment. “…Is it because…” His face tightens briefly. “Is it because I no longer have my Nen?”

“That’s not it, Gon,” Killua immediately refutes, closing the cabinet doors and looking at him from across the table. Lit by a single whitish light bulb shining ubiquitously upon both of them, shadows cast over their faces and the items in the space between them. Killua presses his hands into the countertop as he leans over it, balancing his shoulders. He watches idly as Gon separates cans of veggies, fruits, and soups into piles. “Illumi is a Manipulator,” continues Killua. “If he got one of his needles in one of us there’d be nothing we could do. We might end up fighting against each other without even knowing, maybe even hurt each other.” Killua lifts his hands to shrug. “I mean, I had no idea he was controlling _me_ for so many years with the needle in my –”

He stops dead. His shoulders fall. “– head…”

The moment it passes through his lips he knows he can’t take it back. With a can raised to his face as he tries to read the label, Gon looks over at him. “Wait, what…?”

Killua lowers his arms and looks to the side.

Gon watches him in leery resign, hands falling. “Killua, what… did you just say…?”

The other avoids his eyes, nothing but regret in his hunching shoulders.

“Killua,” Gon says again, more forcefully this time.

Finally Killua’s eyes flash restlessly up at him. He breathes out hard, wishing he could smooth talk his way out of this like he always did with victims and family members in the past.

Gon recognizes the tight expression on Killua’s face that means he’s holding something back. He doesn’t know what to think of this. Gon sighs, leaning forward, his hands clutching the can near the linoleum countertop. _There’s still so much that’s different between him and I._ Tired, he asks, “When did you know of this?”

“A while ago,” is all Killua says, but the way his eyes fall tells Gon everything he needs to know.

“‘A while ago’?! What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“It means it isn’t important,” says Killua sheepishly.

Gon roots the can in his hands back on the table with a loud _slap_. It all sinks in. “Why didn’t you tell me before?!” He’s concerned, but in his volume and expression are a deeply-hidden anger.

Killua's gaze remains fixed on the heat vent by the window to one side. “It doesn’t matter,” he mutters. “You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

“Out of nothi –!” Gon inhales sharply. “How could you just –?! So it _was_ when we knew each other!” His tone is nothing but betrayal and disbelief.

Killua nods slightly. “Yeah.” He looks at Gon with reticent eyes, a peacemaker’s grin plastered across his cheeks, his arms spread on either side of him. “But I'm alright now, so there's nothing to worry abou –!”

Gon’s fists slam loudly into the countertop, silencing his friend. The cans jostle on top, some of them clunking to the ground, rolling across the linoleum floor. Some hit Gon’s feet and legs on the way down. His face is hidden. His arms shudder.

Killua staggers backward, watching Gon who won’t look at him. A mounting anxiety clogs Killua’s throat, threatening to strangle him then and there.

Gon’s angry, even if he knows why Killua didn’t say anything before. If it was any time during the war… there would have been no meaning in telling him. Even so…

_He doesn’t trust me…_

Sinking lower into the table, his elbows fall on the countertop. Gon shakes his head. _No, I can’t think that way anymore._ Not if he wants to help Killua. The self-directed guilt and rage cramping his shoulders sizzles as he allows instead a remorseful heaviness to overtake his body. His voice is calm. “You’re my friend and I worry about you. The natural thing to do.”

When he looks up, he finds Killua watching him cautiously, mouth slightly ajar, a hand outstretched but unmoving.

_Yeah,_ he thinks. _I probably looked really similar to_ that time _just now…_ Unreachable. Full of rage.

His eyes fill. “The least you could do is tell me.”

He can’t help the few tears that slide down his face – but he wipes them away quickly, pressing fingertips to his eyelids. Killua can’t do anything but watch him. He’s too stunned by the outburst and how quickly Gon progressed into sadness to say anything at all.

_Maybe I’m getting you back for surprising me earlier today,_ Gon thinks, chuckling softly.

_Do something, you idiot!_ Killua screams at himself. _Your friend is there crying and all you can do is stand here! What’s wrong with you?!_

Little more is said when the alarm for their food goes off. They take their meat from the oven and make for a less depressing place to eat. Again, as they’re sitting near the windows, eating slowly as they look out to the dark sea and the shoreline sparkling with the lights of civilization, it’s like time crinkles in Gon’s mind, creating a perfect circle to a moment in the past. Killua’s voice comes from far away.

_“My family has really high hopes for me… But I can’t stand it… Who wants to have their life planned out for them…?”_

“I’m really sorry for back there,” Gon apologizes. “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that…”

“No…” Killua’s gaze falls back to the light shoreline, so far away. “Even if it scared me, I needed to hear what you said.”

Now Gon can’t take his eyes off of him.

_Really…?_ Had it really been that easy all along?

He stares toward the dark shoreline now, trying to understand the meaning behind Killua’s mnemonics as he looks into a place not of this world, but somewhere deep within him, sifting through the secrets of his heart – full of the wonders of the universe. Gon longs to know what those wonders are. Killua’s secrets…

Gon murmurs a “thanks,” which causes Killua look to at him.

“What for?”

“For telling me that,” Gon answers. Eventually, those amber eyes look back at him, filled with innocent curiosity like before. “Killua, can you tell me more…?”

“Huh?” He’s confused. “What about?”

“About what happened,” Gon says.

“You mean with Illumi?” Killua asks. He makes a small noise in the back of his throat as he ruffles his hair, propping his arms up on the table beside the windows of the airship where their empty plates remain, aside from a few bones. “I don’t have any memory of it, but apparently Illumi stuck one of his needles in my head sometime when I was little to help me become a great assassin or something. Explains why I completely forgot about Alluka.”

_That wasn’t what I meant to ask,_ Gon thinks. He’s too afraid Killua will shut up if he tries to ask what was truly on his mind, though. “What did the needle do?”

As if a switch is flicked on in his head, Illumi’s voice pierces through his subconscious like a bright beam within the dimness, always ready to guide him back into that dark state of mind. _If you stay with Gon, you’ll end up wanting to kill him one day. You’ll want to see if you can kill him or not._ Killua’s gaze falters as he attempts to block it out. “I’m not sure… I want to talk about that.”

Seeing how his friend avoids him, images flash through Gon’s mind: Killua’s constricted, cat-like pupils as he darted faster than lightning, slashing apart fifty men at the seaport; Killua gouging his own sharp fingers into his arm, grunting in pain, the fear on his face when he realized Gon was awake and saw him, and he scrambled back like some kind of frightened animal; just a night ago, when those silver-blue eyes stared emptily out to the sea, underlined by dark shadows, his body shivering against the cold…

Gon sees in his mind the ghastly scar on his friend’s back, and his shoulders caving inward at the bare explanation he offered while his face was hidden. _“When my parents weren’t watching us, he took me to one of our dungeons and got out our sharp whip – I’d only been exposed to the smaller ones before and he had no idea how to wield it correctly, so it left a scar… But that was a long time ago.”_

Gon had been too much in shock to react other than to give comfort to his best friend – after they’d eaten when it may not have even been relevant or connected anymore…

Gon had seen the scars before – not just the large one spanning across his upper back, but the small ones sprinkled all over his entire body. They were easy to miss if you weren’t paying attention – well-contained, raised invisibly against his pale skin.

The first time Gon had noticed was when they left the Zoldyck Estate, once Killua had come out of the shower after washing away all the blood and grime, but Gon had been too much in a haze, being with Killua again, to care to ask. What he’d seen the last few weeks while on the grounds was enough for him. He wanted nothing more to do with the family, their split ethics and twisted moralities. He knew Killua hadn’t either, having finally escaped from there, so he never felt good enough to ask.

And that’s how it’d stayed.

Gon continued to let himself believe he wasn’t worthy of the information – that as long as they were together, they would be able to forget about the past. Rather than take a leap of faith and try to reach his best friend, he hoped avoiding it would help it fade away… Killua wasn’t the type of person to talk about these things so easily, anyway.

_Why should he with someone like me?_ He didn’t want to be any more of a burden, any more bothersome than he already was, always making declarations that caused Killua to turn away with a snide remark. _“Cut it out, idiot! You’re so embarrassing!”_

…He was just an annoyance.

Killua already helped and protected him – that should be enough to convince him they were friends, right? Right?! Why did he feel the need to say those embarrassing things, if it only got on Killua’s nerves…?

Killua needn’t get hurt in his reckless battles with him…

_“This doesn’t concern you.”_

He’d meant to save his best friend from the same terrible fate, understanding the great difference in power between himself and his foe. His heroic actions did nothing but drive them apart, and now…?

They remain at an impasse, yet not exactly… They _aren’t_ traveling because Killua has nothing else to do. _At least, that’s what he said…_ He should trust in his words. _Killua isn’t the type to lie to his friends…_

“Killua, could you… tell me more about them?”

“What are you talking about?” the other asks, genuinely interested.

“About your family,” says Gon. “I don’t know anything about them. I mean, I saw how they were… so I have an idea, but I don’t really know about…” He takes a deep breath, remembering their intolerant ways with the butlers and visitors alone – _all the scars._ “…well, anything.”

“Anything about what?” Killua asks, sitting back in his seat with his arms crossed. He watches his shoes with a half-frown, no doubt weighing the pros and cons of this conversation. “You gotta be more specific than that.”

“Well… did you _ever_ want to be an assassin?”

Killua focuses on something far away. “…I’m not sure. Probably. Maybe. I was never really given time to think about it.”

“Then did you…” Gon fidgets in his seat, hands planted between his legs. “I’m sorry, this is weird, and I’m not sure you’ll like it, but…”

Killua glances over at him. Gon’s face is construed with thought. Killua almost laughs, knowing what Gon wants to ask.

“How did you feel about, you know… the killing?”

Killua shrugs as he answers – not sure whether he’s being entirely honest. “I don’t remember most of the people I’ve killed.”

He remembers – in dark alleyways, streets, and buildings, his breath rasping in his ears as he listens for any trace of footsteps on his trail. His fingers twitching hungrily with the appetite for blood, always searching, searching… Sometimes, he found himself in a room with hundreds of bodyguards, only to be taken out within a minute as he plopped their entrails behind him, tearing through with incredible speed.

He feels the urge to puke from the thought alone, but the flashbacks don’t stop. Like any natural predator, all the while his vision darkened as he focused on the kill, beguiled by the artery, organ, or orifice he was aiming for, watching, detachedly, as his fingers plunge into their skin, and remove from the neck, chest, stomach, or eye socket the item from within – like a crane claw at a carnival trying to pluck out the most valuable toy. And then he went for the next.

And the next. And the next. And the next, and the next, and the next…

Quite suddenly, Gon’s voice is far away.

“What about the ones you do remember?”

Killua’s sure, as his head whips over to him, his expression is far from tranquil.

Gon corrects himself. “I’m sorry. Is that too personal of a –?”

“No, I’m just –” A bubble rises in his throat that renders him unable to speak – he’s crying into his hands.

Gon hiccups his name in surprise, not sure he fully understands the implications behind Killua’s tears. All he knows is that he’s pulling Killua’s shoulders and entire body close to him. Killua’s still heaving as Gon’s hands rest on his shoulders, but Killua leans back, endeavoring to control himself. “You didn’t want to be a Hunter until you met Kite, right?”

Gon sighs, knowing Killua’s trying to act tough as he wipes tears from his face.

“Yeah, I hadn’t even known about Ging until only a few years before I left for the Hunter Exam…” He refuses let go of Killua, though he gives him some space.

“Did you want to be anything before then?”

“Mmm… On Whale Island you were either a merchant or a sailor. I thought sailing might be fun, but it was because I’d be able to go out on the ocean and see a bunch of places. After Aunt Mito expressed her disapproval, I felt guilty whenever I thought about it, so I wasn’t sure what I would do until I met Kite…” Gon takes in the rawness around Killua’s eyes. He seems to have calmed down, though his hand remains on Killua’s shoulder, trembling with his breath. “Are you okay?”

_What do you think?_ he wants to gibe. Instead, he sends Gon a pink-eyed glare.

Gon can’t help it. He snorts.

“Yeah, yeah,” grumbles Killua, wiping his eyes for the last time, “I’m sure I look pretty fuckin’ funny now, don’t I?”

“Yeah,” Gon agrees. Without really thinking, he takes Killua’s arm and draws it close to his chest, smiling shyly. “Hilarious.”

A vibration beneath them causes both of them awkwardness. They hastily look away.

“Oh, that’s my beetle phone,” says Gon, a hand flying to the side pocket of his shorts.

Killua jumps back in alarm. “You still have your phone?!”

Clicking through the screens to find out what caused the notification, Gon mumbles, “Yeah, why wouldn’t I –?”

Before he can realize, the phone is no longer in his hands, but sailing out the open window, down into the clear ocean water. They watch it plunge into the ocean depths, peering over the edge of the open window sill.

“…How are we going to contact anybody if we need help now?” Gon asks, monotone.

Killua turns back inside. “We won’t need to.”

Gon looks back at him, hands still on the windowsill. “Oh? Why do you say that?”

“We can figure it out together, right?”

Once again, Gon is aware of how much older Killua seems – how much older they both are. Killua’s puffed out chest transmits confidence as he gestures to himself with one thumb – but it’s not like usual. His fingers are looser, more slender, more comfortable, as are his toned arms.

Gon stands beside him, taking Killua’s hands into his own – clasping them more fully now, without any distractions. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Pinkness from embarrassment spreads on Killua’s cheeks. There’s mainly darkness surrounding them in the airship and outside, but the far city lights are bright enough for him to see the tenderness in Gon’s smile.

_Hey, hey now… If you keep up with this, Gon…_

He gulps, lips parting – as if he wants to say it aloud.

_I_ really _won’t be able to stop myself…_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Author's Note: Hello, my children. I’m dead. I’m in college now and HOHBOY. I’m like. Not the same person anymore. Lmao.
> 
> Anyway, rather than be a productive human being, I decided to write a chapter of my fanfiction because, despite being reborn, I am still a fucking weeaboo idiot nerd who would love to see my OTP become canon someday. Or just cry on each other’s shoulders, idk. It changes by the minute. Hopefully I’ll get to most of that here – that is why I’m writing it, after all.
> 
> This chapter was made of pain of all forms, so I hope you enjoyed drinking my tears, as I will surely enjoy yours. Thank you all, and please don’t forget to leave your thoughts below!


	9. Chapter 9

**~ Chapter 9 ~**

* * *

_“Promise me you won’t ever cast aside your own life like that again. If you can’t do that, then I… we… I can’t do it, alright?! So promise me!” The moon haloed over his friend’s silver hair, his slender fingers interlocked with rugged tan ones as they walked home, sharing the glow…_

The sun hung high above Gon’s head as he strolled into town the next day. He’d let Killua sleep in, careful not to awaken him, as it was usually his friend who woke up first. A calmness had overcome him and he felt as if invincible. Ever since Alluka and Palm started spending so much time together, Killua had switched rooms so Palm could move into his and Alluka’s old one. It was just like old times.

_“I’m sure Alluka’s having a good time,”_ Killua had said. _“Let them do what they want.”_

Things were going well, and better yet, _Killua said we could all travel together again when the time comes._ Gon could hardly contain himself – in fact, he’d gone out hunting for something to get for him, but being the Japponian day of rest, the marketplace hadn’t had more than a few stalls open.

Upon re-entering the teahouse and sliding the door closed, Gon heard Palm’s angry, sirenic voice coming from her and Alluka’s room. “IDIOT! Why didn’t you tell him?!”

When it was Killua’s annoyed albeit strangely subdued voice that answered, Gon made the decision to sneak behind the door.

“It’s fine, I’m sure he got the message,” Killua grunted. “There’s no point in worrying him any more than –”

Killua cut himself off, turning and standing from his cross-legged position, toward the door. Gon cursed under his breath. They were too acute to each other’s aura to be able to hide from the other, or even activate Zetsu in the same vicinity.

Gon revealed himself in defeat before Killua could look behind the door, not sure what to make of the butt-end of the conversation.

“I was wondering where you’ve been,” Killua said before Gon could ask what they’d been talking about. Taking an arm across Gon’s shoulders, Killua spun him around. Gon only saw Palm’s indignant expression before being led from the room.

“Killua, is everything okay?” he asked. Killua’s arm was too forceful on his neck for him to be able to escape. He tried not to pay it much mind.

“Huh? Of course it is,” the ex-assassin dismissed.

“Then what were you talking about in there?”

“Nothing – Palm was just wondering how long you, Alluka, and I are going to be staying in Jappon until we head out. Morel, Knuckle, Shoot, and Meleoron are planning to leave sometime within the next few days, y’know.”

…Gon didn’t want to push it. He didn’t know how to reason through Killua hiding things from him so soon after he told Gon not to do the same thing.

_Is he making fun of me? Does he really think I don’t know who that was about…?_

After grabbing something to eat, they headed into the modern parts of town to look at the gift shops – well, Gon was trying to get a better idea of what Killua would like. Doubt had started to creep in the back of Gon’s mind though, especially after New Years when Killua had been so indirect and affectionate, close and far away at the same time… What could him and Palm possibly have been talking about that made Killua sound so… forlorn?

“You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Killua looked over to find Gon watching him, and he laughed at first, bending forward into the earring rack he’d been surveying. “What’s with you, Gon? I already told you that everything was –” Seeing Gon’s brow wrinkle in worry, he faltered. “– fine…”

There was no sign of the embarrassing, shameless, and innocent boy he used to know. Gon was being completely serious, if also seeming somewhat annoyed. “I just don’t want you to hide things from me either – is all,” Gon said breathlessly, spreading his arms. “I hope you know that you can tell me anything. I don’t mind. I want to know…”

Gon watched him carefully, but Killua could only think of earlier that day…

_He’d peeped his head around the corner to look into Palm and Alluka’s room and found wavy wiry black hair facing him. Palm sat on the floor in a lotus pose toward the garden window: legs crossed over each thigh, thumb and middle finger encircled, head declined._

_“Oh, Palm. Do you know where Alluka is?”_

_Opening her aqua-blue eyes, Palm spoke levelly. “She said something about traveling with Bisky to see what she could do with her Nen.”_

_Having been rubbing his bedhead of wild hair, still half-asleep, this woke Killua up. “She went with Bisky?!” he burst. “That brute could crush Alluka without even trying! Do you know where they went?!”_

_“They’ll be fine,” said Palm, irritated at being interrupted during her morning meditation for this. She recrossed her legs and gestured to him to sit down. “Anyway, I wanted to ask you something.”_

_“Hm?” Killua sat down in front of her, crossing his legs to follow suit._

_“I saw Gon leave early this morning in a giddy mood,” she said. “Usually he doesn’t go anywhere without you. I noticed you two were gone longer than anyone was awake last night too. I didn’t have either of you registered in Wink Blue, so… did anything…?”_

_Killua nodded, watching the grey carpet past his curled fingertips, resting on his knees. “Yeah.”_

_“May I ask?”_

_“Yeah,” said Killua, sitting up a little bit, but refusing to look her in the face. “I told him he can never even dare to_ think _about giving up over something like that again. Otherwise I’d smack him good for it.”_

_Palm sighed, head drooping down in exhaust. “I hope you didn’t say it like that.”_

_Killua grimaced at her. “Of course not! Believe it or not, I actually try when it comes to my friends.”_

_Upon hearing how casually he used the word “friend,” it made Palm further curious – and a little worried. “So I take it you told him about… what happened in the palace, right?”_

_Killua furrowed his snowy eyebrows. “What do you mean?”_

_“When you found me, and everything you said…”_

_Unconsciously, Killua’s spine went stiff. He easily recalled the vapid emptiness as his forehead and arms sunk into the stony floor, choking on his own tears and unable to breathe as he searched hopelessly for something to fill the hole Gon’s words had created deep inside him, down in his very core, in his soul, worse than anything he’d ever imagined – worse than everything his family had done to him, in a way…_

_He’d blocked out everything else, unaware of Royal Guard Shaiapouf egging on the estranged Palm to kill him while she had the chance. “What would be the point in telling him that…?”_

_Palm’s worried face transformed below the omniscient violet orb on her head, into something of disbelief and anger. “Because he’s your friend and he means a lot to you – IDIOT! Why didn’t you tell him?!”_

_“It’s fine, I’m sure he got the message,” said Killua, no longer attached to his words. “There’s no point in worrying him any more than –”_

Back in the gift shop, Killua glanced momentarily away from Gon’s delicate stare, and retracted his hands from the earring rack in front of him. “You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll tell you if something is wrong, alright?”

As Killua stepped over to the next rack of cheap jewelry, Gon thought, reassuring himself, _I should trust him._ _He isn’t the type to lie to friends._

He was only half correct.

* * *

  **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

 A week passed, and the gang split off their separate ways – not without a heartfelt good-bye, choking hugs, and tears all around from Knuckle and Hanzo especially. Everyone agreed to stay in touch. Then Gon, Killua, Alluka, Bisky, Palm, and Ikalgo boarded an airship going the near-opposite direction from Knov, Morel, Knuckle, Shoot, and Meleoron – Hanzo stayed behind in Jappon. When Alluka asked if Bisky and Palm could travel with them, there was no way Gon or Killua could refuse – even if it wasn’t entirely what Killua wanted, though he wasn’t quite sure why. He was certainly glad she had company other than himself… but it almost felt like she was keeping something from him.

Next stop was the northernmost tip of the Azian Continent, far from the government upheaval caused by the Dark Continent. The weather was beginning to turn back to spring, and the two friends found themselves alone – in fact, Ikalgo had made a blatant point of _not_ tagging along this time.

They were hiking up a windy cliff by the sea, greenery all around. In the distance were low mountains covered in vegetation too. The salty seawind felt good on Killua’s face, blowing white hair around his head. His hands were in light-brown shorts pockets, a loose open blue plaid jacket around his shoulders over a white T-shirt. Gon was walking right beside him, camo-green pants and a white turtle-necked sleeveless shirt.

While they were talking, each time their arms brushed against each other, Killua couldn’t help the neuronic crawl of warmth that shot up his entire body. He did his best to ignore it – sure his friend didn’t feel the same. Gon continued to speak without pause.

They stopped at the apex of the cliff, overlooking the rocky beach hundreds of feet below, the vastness of the sea.

“Killua, I’m glad you’re here with me.”

Killua grinned, his chin falling as he chuckled. “Jeez, you’re still going on about that?”

“Because I am,” said Gon, smiling wider and turning toward his best friend. “I’ve missed you.”

“Yeah…” Killua wanted to stifle his current happiness, afraid of when it would come to an end. He wanted to stand there forever with the late afternoon sun on their faces, the wind chilling his skin just enough to better enjoy the warmth. He knew he had to be able to share his happiness for it to mean anything for Gon, though… “I really missed doing everything together when we were apart,” he mentioned smoothly.

“Really?” Gon asked, the intrigue in his eyes overwhelming, riveted on Killua’s every motion.

“Yeah… I mean…” Killua scratched the back of his head. He thought of all the times he’d awoken in bed crying with Alluka at his side wondering what made him so inconsolable, unable to understand or do anything for her brother – so that he tried to leave the room whenever nightmares of the war – and other things – plagued him. He had no intention of burdening her with them.

Now, sleeping beside Gon again each night, the dreams had all but disappeared – or he simply didn’t remember them. He hoped the same was true for his best friend, but… he didn’t know for sure.

“I mean,” said Killua stubbornly, watching the rising and falling waves of the indifferent ocean, “when we separated… I wasn’t sure… we could get along anymore,” he admits. “I even thought of not answering your texts, but I’m really glad I did.”

Gon turned toward the ocean. “I was really worried you wouldn’t get what I was trying to say when I texted you about New Years, or that you wouldn’t answer.” He smiled, tilting his head back toward his friend. “But I’m really glad you did too. When you were avoiding me the first week, it felt really weird! I was afraid to approach you because I thought I would get on your nerves, haha!”

Despite Gon’s laugh, Killua’s gut twisted at the statement. _Gon, you could never get on my nerves…_

“So it was nerve-wracking trying to speak at first.” Gon’s amber eyes were lost to the sun’s rays and the glowing sea, nostalgic of a time that felt unreal to him, knowing what he did now. Gon shrugged as he giggled childishly to himself. _Yeah,_ he thought. _I want to stay here, like this, watching day turn to night with you at my side._ “Yeah, I’ve definitely missed you…”

They took the mountain path back to the village where the others awaited. The sky turned dark, and bright stars winked overhead. Given the darkness and coldness of the breeze, Gon couldn’t help himself. Seeing how Killua was so thoroughly avoiding him and trying to make it look like an accident, Gon linked an arm around Killua’s crooked elbow, forcing the other to finally look back at him with wide eyes. He was unable to speak, knowing there was nothing he could say without making Gon more annoying. It wasn’t like he wasn’t happy with it himself…

Once in sights of the village, Gon’s hands came off of him to wave to Bisky and Alluka waiting on the front patio of the hotel. He hurried forward to greet them, leaving Killua feeling unreasonably abandoned.

The warmth from that early afternoon was gone.

“Where have you two been all this time?” Bisky demanded, sounding half irritated and half exhausted, her hands on the hips of her dress.

After fist-bumping Gon, Alluka ran down the path to jump-hug Killua, much to his gladness. “Brother! Did you have a nice time?”

Too focused on having her affection back to remember what he’d been thinking moments before, Killua responded without missing a beat. “Yeah, we went on that cliff by the ocean that you pointed out when we flew in. You’ll have to come see it with us sometime, Alluka.”

She nodded with a grin. “Yeah!”

“Jeez, you two! Ignoring your teacher after she asks you a question?!” Bisky grumped. Gon and Killua giggled at each other. Bisky puffed out through her nose, gesturing toward the door. “Hurry up, dinner’s inside.”

Later, Gon pulled back the linens of the bed as he climbed in. “It’s nice everyone waited up for us.”

“Yeah, but I still think it was weird,” said Killua, pulling his shirt off over his head, grabbing the one he kept for sleeping from a nearby chair. “What could the four of them have been doing while we were gone anyway? Even Ikalgo hasn’t wanted to come with us the last few times we’ve gone out… They’re all acting weird.” He frowned at the floor.

Gon shrugged against his pillow. “I don’t think so. Why do you care so much?”

Killua wanted to say it was something about Alluka, but he also couldn’t accuse her of anything. “I guess I don’t,” he grunted, scooting under the covers beside Gon, and turning toward the outside of the bed. “G’night.”

“Night, Killua,” Gon said as he turned off the lamp switch over the bed on the wall, and snuggled down.

In Greed Island, they’d shared sleeping space together so many times that when Bisky suggested they share a bed in the hotel, neither had understood the reason for the lascivious laughter that crept from the hand over her mouth.

_“Yeah, that’s fine,” said Gon._

_“If it’ll cost less money, I’m good with that,” Killua agreed._

_Bisky gave them a blasé look, arms sagging. “…Really, you two?”_

_“What?! You’re the one who suggested it, you old –!”_

And that had been the end of that conversation.

Killua’s arms were sprawled under his pillow and he was snoring in minutes, but Gon found himself fidgeting. He still hadn’t found anything to give Killua at any of the gift shops they’d gone to… and the end of the conversation he’d heard in the teahouse just wouldn’t go away.

Gon scooched just a little closer to Killua. Their legs barely touched, and he didn’t dare get any closer. Killua made no move either way.

Maybe someday, Killua will tell him all things he keeps from Gon. _Maybe someday, I’ll be as important to Killua as Killua is to me…_ Though he hadn’t said it, Gon knew – he felt it in his heart. There were many things Killua was hiding from him, both large and small. About past and present alike. One day, he hoped Killua would trust him to tell it all.

_But until then, this is enough…_

Killua wasn’t fully asleep yet when he felt warmth near his skin, but he was too tired and close to sleep to react as he drooled onto his pillow. For some reason, he didn’t want to move away either…

* * *

  **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

As Gon clutches his friend’s slender hands under the dim yellow light shining some ways behind them, he knows Killua is listening intently to his words but hiding something. “Killua, I want to keep staying with you.”

The hollow flow of air through the desolate airship emphasizes just how alone they are, surrounded by the dark ocean and distant land. The space here after their meal is warm, if also vaguely familiar. Killua’s eyes never leave him, though his chin lifts hopefully. “Oh…?” His voice is unsure, absentminded.

Gon says quietly, staring into Killua’s eyes, “I don’t want us to separate again…” His fingers grip Killua’s harder. “I want to always be by your side.” Startled by himself, his determination, Gon breaks contact and looks down. “This is so weird…” he murmurs.

Killua stays silent, seeing how conflicted Gon seems as he watches their shoes – brown hiking boots and Killua’s purple sneakers. Without being entirely conscious of his actions, Killua leans forward, gripping Gon’s hands in return. Actually, he resists the urge to fling his arms over Gon’s shoulders and pull him in again. Fuzzy thick white bangs press to Gon’s forehead. The other feels how soft his friend’s hair is – if not also slightly straw-like from their electricity-charged dash through the city, up the plateau-like complex.

Gon is taken aback. There’s something Killua isn’t saying – that neither of them are. All he knows is his deep concentration in trying to figure out what to say has been broken. All he can hear is his heart pounding in his ears, heat on his face –

Killua abruptly cuts off their shared grizzle, leaning back. His fingers continue to grasp Gon’s, but he lowers them, trying to quiet his own fluttering chest. “Gon, thank you for everything,” he says quickly – but not at all carelessly. To Gon, it sounds like he’s crying – or close to it – and he immediately glances toward his face.

The heat and nervousness of the moment before is gone. Instead what Gon finds is his best friend’s half-grin and those sapphire eyes shimmering with tears. “I’m really glad I’ve gotten to be your friend,” Killua splutters.

The expression his friend is making now is too unfamiliar – humble and gentle genuinity. Gon isn’t sure how to respond. His vision is splotchy from faintness and his knees feel weak.

“Yeah,” whimpers Killua, taking a hand away from Gon’s fingertips to wipe his eyes. He sob-laughs and more tears stream down his cheeks from below the forearm covering his eyes. A great relief has suddenly fallen over him – heavier than the one draped over him when they parted at the World Tree. _I’ve finally said it properly…_ yet not quite.

He’s smiling too wide, his arm still over his eyes. “I’m just really, really glad… that I got to know you…” Upon remembering what Gon said before this, Killua peers from underneath his arm to look into Gon’s eyes. “Did you… really mean that…? Staying together…”

Suddenly his best friend is glowing before him. Gon’s amber eyes twinkle with the reflection of the sea, his hand never leaving Killua’s, in fact gripping steadier than before, the light shadows playing over his dark skin, highlighting his smile in so many delightful ways. Killua doesn’t have to say any more. Gon nods vigorously, caught in euphoria and a certain fearlessness. “Yeah, I really did mean it, Killua! Just being together makes me happy.” _I mean, I finally met Ging, and I never really had any other goal aside from that… but…_ “I know I’ll be okay no matter what I do… as long as you’re there with me. So I want to keep staying with you.”

Killua’s chest hurts – he’s overheating, and yet frozen as he glances shyly up at Gon, through silver bangs, and eyelashes dewed with tears. “E-even if Illumi’s on our tail…?” _Even though I can’t help you no matter what I do… and only hurt you in the end?_

Gon’s smile never wavers. “Yeah. As you said, we can fight him together, right?”

Killua scowls at him, fighting the blush on his cheeks. “I didn’t suggest we fight him, but if that’s what you want…” He doesn’t finish his sentence. He’s trying to contain his emotions but it’s all too much.

He isn’t sure whether to take all this happiness or come back to reality, the reality that his brother is on their tail, and if he doesn’t come up with a plan soon, all of this could be thrown back in his face. Not to mention…

_Gon, you really don’t get it, do you?_ Clumsily, Killua takes one of Gon’s hands in both of his, bringing it close to his chest. He clasps Gon’s fingers near his beating heart. Gon’s smile fades a little, watching Killua, whose expression is no longer the same. The pale boy’s barred teeth show behind his lips as he clutches onto Gon’s hand, as if he’s holding onto his dearest friend’s life, his eyes closed and bereft with tears. _Illumi isn’t the only person I’m afraid of…!_

His aura dances like the body of a flame, alerting his friend to his unease. Gon can’t help but wonder if all Killua had said was like before, during the war. “What’s wrong…?”

Killua’s pulse quickens beneath Gon’s fingertips. His heart feels heavy. “You have no idea…” _No, stop trying to make this about yourself._ He picks his head up. “After everything that happened, I was so confused – I didn’t know what to do.” He takes a breath and looks up. Gon’s focus never wavers. The hand clasped to his chest is nothing short of a miracle. Years ago, Killua never believed feelings of this magnitude were possible for someone like him. During the war, he shocked himself when he broke down in front of Palm…

And now, he’s afraid he’ll harm the one he loves most because of his violence and inexperience with love. _Because of my curse._ As a member of the Zoldyck Family…

He already told Gon he could do whatever he wanted to him. He already told him how much he means to him – but what’s the point, if…

Killua’s fingers loosen. “I don’t know.” …And he slips away. “We should get some rest.”

Again, Gon is tongue-tied by the things he’s unsure how to approach. But this can’t continue. “Why do you keep doing that?”

“Doing what?”

“Act like you’re about to say something and then cut yourself off…”

Killua turns around again to face him. “You were my first friend. Nothing will ever change that, but… sometimes, I wonder if…”

“If what…?” prompts Gon, a little worried about Killua using the past tense.

“I wonder if you know… how much I –”

The airship lurches forward, and Gon grips the table built into the window walls as he’s aware of their plates and the remains of their meal – bones and bits of lard – shattering on the distant wall of the hallway. The entire airship dips forward in the sky, plunging diagonally toward the earth after flying over hours of ocean.

“What the –?!” Gon cries.

“No human spy could track us through such dense forests!” Killua hollers behind him, hands fastened to the surface of the same table to keep himself from following their plate shards on the bottom of their new floor. “Who could be following us?!”

Every beam around them shudders as they pick up speed, careening toward the ground, pushed upward by their own weight but forced downward by the airship miraculously making harbor toward land as if pulled by an invisible thread. The stitching of the ship’s balloon rips audibly as an onrush of air batters it from all directions, causing the gas within to escape, and alerting Gon and Killua to the fact that a puncture hole must have been made somewhere.

Killua’s about to activate Godspeed when a wave of dizziness causes the world to twirl above and below him – wherever that may be. When his grip fails, he starts falling. Gon screams out his name and leaps down after him, grabbing his arm as his feet land firmly on a support beam between two of the large windows.

Killua hangs limply from Gon’s arm, face hidden by white hair. The water is very close now; they’ll be crushed by the beams directly above and below them if they stay. Gon hauls his friend over his shoulders, grunting as he invokes what little aura he has left and, hardening both legs, launches himself through the large window beside him and out onto the sand. He loses grip on Killua as they tumble, followed by shards of glass; it’s not too long after that the airship crashes onto a shoreline behind them, sending a plume of smoke and fire upward. Fire is sweeps all the way to the forest occupied by dark trees, over a hundred feet away.

Gon’s cheeks, bare arms, and shoulders are scraped and raw from the sand, but as soon as he’s able, he lifts himself, trembling, onto his hands and knees, scrambling over to Killua who lays sideways in the sand, unconscious. “Killua!” He turns his friend over to see blood spilling from one arm and his temple, and his breath shortens. “Killua, wake up!” The ringing in his ears only becomes worse when he inhales sharply.

The airship’s metal skeleton is littered in rags of burnt fabric, half in the ocean and half out, as it crackles and pops and shrieks at the high temperatures caused by fire fed directly by reactive gas. Gon feels himself hyperventilating, not sure what to do. He’s never faced such a crisis alone before. He’s afraid for his friend, for their entire situation – but the sounds of footsteps within the trees behind stops the sobs from rising in his throat, further clouding his judgement.

When he looks over, all that expands before him is the darkness of the forest. No, within, a figure becomes visible. As the person comes forward into the firelight, surrounded by night’s cloak, the outlines of more appear. They lurch forward with unnatural jerky movements, saliva running down their cheeks, eyes rolled upward to show the whites of their eyes. It makes Gon’s skin crawl.

He spots huge round needle heads sticking out of their skulls, reflecting the fires behind him.

Gon searches for an opening to escape with Killua among the slow-moving Needlemen, until he feels the blood drain from his face and the world become cold.

Amongst the horde of obeying soldiers, a tall, anfractuous figure appears among them. He steps forward with all the grace of a born leader. Dressed in black, his hair shifts forward and back around his body, crossing over the two mauve stripes down the sides of his attire outlining his hourglass figure.

Those endless eyes set upon Gon, reflecting none of the fire sweltering behind Gon in the darkness – void of light or emotion. Gon’s heartbeat is a dull but loud thrum in his ears as Illumi finally comes to a halt.

The Nen master’s face contorts with a twisted smile, his voice smooth yet grating against Gon’s ears. “Oh, it’s you again. Just what do you think you’re doing with my little brother?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Author's Note: There's probably only gonna be a few more long flashbacks after this. As some of you may have noticed, I tried to post this chapter before but quickly took it off. Admittedly my lack of planning somewhat caught up to me, and the chapter I had originally posted served no clear purpose so I decided it best to take it down. My rewrite is largely the same but again, now has a clear point.
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please leave your thoughts below~


	10. Chapter 10

**~ Chapter 10 ~**

* * *

He was always reckless in the past – taking on opponents so much stronger than him.

With only a light coat of Nen surrounding his body, Illumi’s maleficent aura stabs needles at him from every direction. He already feels beat; the hairs on his neck and arms poke at his sweaty skin, head pounding fiercely for a solution to this impossible equation.

He’s outnumbered a hundred Needlemen and Illumi to one, lacking anything other than basic Ten and his own physical strength. Killua is unconscious at his side.

Gon is essentially helpless.

 _It’s just like before,_ Gon thinks. _Except I really have nothing strong enough to attack back with, and no chance of winning…_

The corners of his mouth pull up, as if by the drawstrings of a marionette.

_Yeah, back then, if it hadn’t been for Killua…_

He would have met his doom long ago. Whenever he fought alone, he ended up with battle wounds beyond repair – or so he thought…

And now, he needs Killua more than ever. He knows it. But he has to do this alone.

Illumi senses fear in Gon’s aura, flickering like a starved flame. Defiance and determination are also evident in his protective stance, however. Gon won’t go down without a fight.

Though the reasons are similar, Illumi is nothing like the hilariously absentminded and overprotective older brother that Gon remembers from the Hunter Exam. He’s clearly been brewing over his plans for this exact moment for years, overpowerment permeating danger from his every move. He’s fully aware he can’t continue to play the strangely-overprotective-but-loving older brother anymore. Not if he wants to secure his clutches around Killua once again.

Outstretching one hand, Illumi commands, “Step away from my little brother.”

Gon cringes from Illumi’s aura being blasted his way, but he stands his ground. “Never – you’ll have to go through me first!”

Illumi lowers his hand, molding back into the darkness of his body. The forest behind cloaks the tall Zoldyck in black. Aside from the high neck piece on his jacket where dozens of needles in different sizes and colors protrude out, only two mauve stripes, running down his black attire from shoulder-to-ankle, give any alert to his movements. The fire of the airship skeleton some ways behind Gon and Killua hardly reflects any light back from the black void that is Illumi’s figure.

His head tilts to the side as he smiles slyly. “You misunderstand.” His voice slithers like a viper, venomous and hard to grasp. “I have no intention of killing Killua. Killua is my brother. _We’re family_. Family doesn’t kill family.”

Gon feels his fingernails dig into his palms as his hands ball into fists, but his fear subsides. No matter what happens, Killua will survive. “ _‘Family’_ shouldn’t go to such lengths,” he spits back, despite there being more he’d like to say, the past few weeks fresh in his mind.

As Illumi steps forward, he promenades through sand and bits of the wreckage with flat black shoes. What Killua said flashes through Gon’s mind:

_“Illumi is a Manipulator. If he got one of his needles in one of us there’d be nothing we could do. We might end up fighting against each other… maybe even hurt each other. I mean, I had no idea he was controlling me for so many years with the needle in my – head.”_

Gon swallows thickly, his eyes never leaving Illumi. _If even Killua couldn’t detect a needle back then, for all those years…_ There’s no way he can.

On either side of Illumi are Needlemen, jerking forward with every step and blocking Gon’s view of escape through the trees. Even if he was alone, it would be impossible.

As Gon takes a closer look at the Needlemen Illumi has under his control, he realizes most are dressed in civilians’ clothing, with little to no aura emanating from them at all other than that of the needles sticking out of their heads making them into mindless, obeying soldiers. They’re even more defenseless than Gon is, besides the fact that they’ll continue to move and attack on command without reservation from pain or death.

Gon feels his resolve harden his body and his mind. To think Killua could have been made into something like this…!

“You bastard,” he shouts at Illumi. “I’ll tear you apart if I have to! I’ll never let you touch Killua again!”

About ten feet away from him now, Illumi laughs loudly, coming to a halt. He lifts a hand once more, this time pointing upward and near his head. Gon prepares himself for another Nen attack, covering his body in as much Ten as possible, but instead all he hears is a snap as Illumi’s fingers rub together, ringing in his ears.

“Get Gon.”

Swarming at him with their mouths agape, slobbering in globs all over the sand, Needlemen rush at him from all sides. Their arms reach out to seize him, and Gon immediately goes on the defensive, taking Killua’s unconscious body over his shoulders and leaping away. Illumi doesn’t move a muscle.

“Coward! Face me yourself!” Gon screams at him.

Illumi smirks. “If I did that, it would be all too easy.”

The way he said it makes Gon wonder about his motives, but he isn’t given time to think about it. Where he once stood, a pile of Needlemen struggles over each other, limbs tangled and eyes lolling. In midair, more Needlemen jump up from below, grabbing at Gon’s ankles, driving him into the sandy ground. He crashes somewhere closer to the burning wreckage of the airship, Killua beside him, his bloody face and arms caked in sand and blood, and Gon grunts as he stands and endeavors to lift Killua but the Needlemen are upon him. Their hands grip his arms and legs, shoulders and neck, restraining him. Gon yanks himself free with his immense physical strength, but it’s enough to send their bodies flying in every direction. He hears some of them splash in the ocean behind him and others bang against the metal wreckage of the airship, and gasps at the realization that these are real people and he could injure them badly if he’s too careless, rendering them unable to recover from their zombified state. He holds himself back as he attempts to shake them off, but now it isn’t enough. More and more swarm and grab hold, the sheer weight alone forcing him to his knees.

When they have completely restrained him, hands gripping his limbs and torso, leaving only his head free, Illumi walks forward until they’re face-to-face. He stares coldly down at Gon, ghost-like face devoid of emotion – not even any hint of triumph. “Easier than I thought,” he remarks, almost disappointed. “It’s a wonder why Killua sticks around you when you’re so useless. He’s the most powerful assassin of us all, you know. And these people –” He gestures to the Needlemen around them. “– they’re already beyond the point of helping.”

Gon glares up at him, not saying a word. His amber eyes reflect the fires slowly consuming what’s left of the airship. Red-hot and angry.

Removing a needle from the cowl-neck of his jacket, Illumi holds it out for Gon to see. It’s smaller than the rest, thin, and gold, with a hook on either side. Gon knows immediately what it’s for, given its length and size. His shoulders struggle for freedom, but the Needlemen’s grip is strong.

“I promised a colleague of mine that I wouldn’t harm you beyond repair – so don’t worry. It shouldn’t hurt that much,” Illumi taunts, inching his hand with the needle closer. “You could get away if you wanted to, since you really are a brute – your strength is the only high point about you,” he comments thoughtfully. His eyelids raise slightly, as if it’s clicking in his mind. “Maybe Killua befriended you so he could use your raw power for missions and such. You just can’t seem to throw away your morals though, not even to save yourself.”

“Shut up!” Gon shouts. “You don’t have any morals – treating your own brother like that to make sure he doesn’t turn into something you don’t want?! Killua isn’t anything like you say!”

For a moment, Illumi looks surprised, but then his features soften. “Gon Freecss.” He says it like a declaration, like an executioner. The skin over his white mask-of-a-face loosens into something terrifyingly human – was it _sympathy?_ “You’ll never understand our world. Killua is destined to be an assassin – ruling with Alluka at his side. You know nothing about him.”

Gon knows Illumi’s only trying to get inside his mind, but the words echo and bite at him in a way he never expected – because of the truth they hold.

_You know nothing about him. You know nothing about Killua._

He’s about to utter, “That isn’t true,” when –

* * *

  **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

 They were still traveling in the Azian Continent when Alluka dropped the news.

Apparently, she had already spoken with Bisky and Palm about telling Killua, and they had told her she had to do it herself, sometime when they were alone. Trying to wrack up the courage to do so explained her avoidance of him for the last few months.

She was hesitant for more than a few reasons. Alluka knew – she remembered – before meeting up with the Chimera Ant Extermination crew and Hanzo, her brother awaking so many nights in their bed in a cold sweat, unmoving for hours, sometimes, but breathing fast.

Eventually he’d get out of bed and leave the room, sometimes for hours, sometimes for the entire night, and would return in the morning with a huge smile on his face. When she asked about it, he’d only mutter bits and pieces. Due to her wish-granting ability, she hadn’t gone through nearly as much training as the other Zoldycks, but in its place, severe isolation, and dehumanization to a different degree.

Alluka could do nothing for him, except offer to let Nanika heal the scars of things that had been done – erasing evidence of it on the outside, though there was hardly anything to be erased already. She couldn’t touch the trauma done to his mind without creating false memories or completely brainwashing him, making him into another person entirely. So she said nothing about that. After he refused to erase the largest scar, the one on his back, she stopped asking. He never said much, only wishwash statements like: _“I had another nightmare about the past,”_ or _“I just miss my best friend.”_ If she further interrogated about the details, he’d remain quiet, clamming up no matter how gently she nudged him to talk, until finally he’d say, _“I don’t know – I can’t remember now,”_ and suggest they do something else.

He spoke very little about the past except vaguely, still acting protective and loving toward her as though pretending the past never happened.

Around the others, Alluka grew out of herself more than she ever had before. They all lived in the present, speaking freely about what had come to pass, that she began to speak freely about it too. She noticed how Killua became when she spent more time with the others than with him – on-edge, caught between morose and _envy_. She had been the same not long ago, but it frightened her. Being more adventurous and socializing with others from the outside world – it had definitely been a good change.

“Brother, Nanika and I have been thinking… we should travel apart from each other for a while.”

“Wh… A-Alluka…?”

The support distaff – and Ikalgo – had been waiting outside the hotel room when Killua rushed out, breathing hard. “Did you know about this?” he demanded from Ikalgo, deducing the truth from Bisky and Palm. He pointed accusingly at the octopus, who pointed at himself in turn.

“Me? No, not really – I’ve known for the last few weeks because I overheard, but I wasn’t a part of –”

“You knew and you didn’t tell me?!” Killua burst. There was a veracious fury in his voice, enough to make his aura shudder and swirl, startling all present – even Alluka, back in the room and oblivious of Nen. Upon seeing the shock on Ikalgo’s face, Killua felt bad and turned, feet falling hard on the carpet as he stomped down the hall, going faster and faster until he broke into a run.

It was expiation for leaving her at the Zoldyck Estate for all those years, not a thought for her in his mind – whether that was due to outside influences, such as Illumi’s needle, or not, it was unforgivable. _It’s all my fault!_

Killua was gone for over an hour when Bisky called Gon, who had fittingly gone out to the city to buy something for his best friend. The group had told him not to return without something, keeping him in the dark about the entire ordeal, hoping he would be able to lighten Killua’s mood after Alluka told him, since no one was expecting it to turn out pretty – but none of them thought Killua would have such a labile reaction. Bisky informed Gon of the actual situation, and asked that he find Killua and talk some sense into him. “If anyone can do that, it’s you, Gon.”

He felt a lump in his throat at the trust and pressure everyone was putting on him, almost not believing Bisky’s story that Killua had gotten angry enough to yell at them and run away.

First, Gon went back to the hotel, the fanciest one the group had rented out during all of their travels – except maybe the teahouse in Jappon – due to its size and location. He found Alluka in her and Palm’s room, holding a wet tissue in her hands, looking out the large window toward the seaport city, tears still falling down her pale cheeks. Cargo ships and sailboats glided in and out of the bay surrounded by tall buildings. It was a beautiful, clear day with hardly a cloud, the shadows of afternoon falling over hotels painted in bright colorful shades.

Gon down sat beside her on the bed, setting aside the small box in his hands. He watched her sympathetically.

“I-I knew he wouldn’t like it,” she sniffed, looking down at the tissue in her hands. “He’s been really clingy the last few years… I just – I hoped since you two were together again, it wouldn’t be such a big deal…”

Gon breathed out heavily through his nose. He also looked out the window. “Yeah, I’m not sure what could be going through his head right now.” Then back at Alluka. “But I wish you’d told me sooner. I could have been there to help.”

Alluka turned to face him, her dark crystal-blue eyes boring into him, clutching at his wrist. “Please, Gon. You have to find him – I’m worried what kind of trouble he could get himself into when he isn’t thinking.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll find him, all right. And I’ll find a way to kick some sense into him,” he half-grumbled, rolling his eyes. “He can be a drama queen sometimes.” He recalled how Killua had reacted after his date with Palm, only aggravating her to the point that she chased them down the street with a – well, it wasn’t important now.

Alluka smiled at him in earnest, using her tissue to wipe her eyes. “You’re a good friend. I know he’s happy to have you.”

For some reason, hearing it from someone else made his cheeks steam and he felt dizzy.

Alluka patted Gon on the back, smiling again. “Bring him back safe.”

Gon nodded, and left the room in a slight daze – but hurried when he saw the worry on Bisky’s, Palm’s, and Ikalgo’s faces.

_Where would Killua go…?_

People passed him on the street in a rush, their heads down. It wouldn’t be hard to hide among the crowds, or in a shop. That wasn’t in Killua’s nature, though, and it was starting to get cold.

Gon looked toward the stretch of hills covered in pine trees in the distance.

* * *

  **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

“Hey, Killua.”

“Hey.”

The silver-haired boy sat with an arm draped over one raised knee as he stared at the freezing river water. He hardly cast Gon a glance as the islander sat beside him on the log, damp with mist and steam rising from the river. Killua’s tone was short but contemplative, and he looked nonplussed, if a little flushed from the cold – he wasn’t wearing a coat or sweatshirt.

Exaggeratedly, with one hand over his mouth, Gon cleared his throat. “So, have you figured out what your new goal is yet?”

This made Killua look over at him. “Hah?” he said, honestly confused, bright eyes wide.

“Your goal,” Gon repeated. “Now that Alluka is fine on her own, don’t you think you should search for something else you want to do?”

Killua’s arms were more defined now that they had been working out again for the past three months. Gon noted how his shoulder muscles flexed as Killua’s arm fell from his knee and his fingers dug into the rotting bark of their log. “You never stop looking ahead, do you…”

This caught Gon off-guard. His voice sounded far away. Killua said it deadpan, without looking at him.

“You’re right about that,” said Gon, pragmatic. Feeling there was more to say, he hesitated.

“What’s your current goal, then?” Killua asked, his brow hardening as he took off a huge chunk of bark and chucked it into the river to be swept away without a trace.

This again struck Gon dumbfounded, especially when witnessing his best friend’s pouty attitude.

Killua smirked under his breath. “You don’t know either, do you?”

“…”

“Well, Mr. Optimistic?”

“…I’m thinking how to say it.”

“See, you don’t have one.”

“I have one!” Gon retorted.

“Then what is it?” Killua turned to look at him.

With those beautiful silver-blue eyes watching him, Gon became flustered. “W-well…”

Killua stuck his chin in the air. “Liar, liar, pants on fire!” he crooned.

“Sh-shuddup!” Gon shoved at him roughly, trying to hide the blush on his cheeks. His laidback position on the log was disrupted, Killua slapped his arm in return, snickering at Gon’s embarrassed expression – though he didn’t know its full reasoning. Gon rubbed his now red arm, making an exaggeratedly pained face. Killua just blinked at him, apathetic, before looking back at the water.

After a time of watching the river together, Gon spoke again.

“…Why don’t we travel together…?”

“What…?”

Gon felt his pulse quicken. “Yeah, just you and me. Like how we used to. It’d be fun, right?” He glanced at Killua, who was already watching him. He wasn’t sure what was in his friend’s eyes now. Reluctance… excitement… fear?

Killua asked, barely a whisper, “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

Gon’s gaze fell. _I don’t know,_ was the obvious answer. “Do you really want to keep traveling with Alluka and the others after this?”

“…I guess not.”

“Then let’s leave. Right now.”

“Now?!”

Gon nodded, thinking. “Yeah. Well, go talk to Alluka first. And then we should leave.”

“It’s almost nighttime,” Killua puffed.

“All the better!”

Killua looked at him suspiciously, surveying his casual stance. “Gon… are you serious?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

 _No sign of a clear motive…_ “No reason, I guess. Let’s go get our stuff.”

“Yeah.”

“…Right.”

So they went back and Alluka threw herself in Killua’s arms, and Killua told her that everything was fine, and no, it wasn’t her fault. When Bisky suggested they all go out to dinner together, to Killua’s astonishment it was Gon who lied and told Alluka, Bisky, Palm, and Ikalgo that they wanted some space, and should go on without them. Gon believed it was the right choice not to tell them the truth after, upon arrival, seeing their nosy stares. The way they’d put it on him to handle Killua after dropping the news, rather than take the situation into their own hands, had also convinced him.

Gon packed their stuff in his yellow bag while Killua wrote a note entrusting Alluka’s safety and protection to Bisky and Palm, apologizing especially to Ikalgo for leaving him unannounced.

And they were off.

The moon rose high above the pair as they shut the door to their room and turned in the key to the front desk, but neither of them saw it, for it was a new moon.

“Ready?” Gon inquired.

“Yeah,” said Killua, not sure how he’d been talked into this, or if he’d even needed convincing at all.

They set out for their adventure, side-by-side though obscured in darkness. Gon knew only what was in his heart. It wasn’t something he could put a name to yet. Years around Ging, Kurapika, Leorio, the Hunters of the Association, Greed Island players, and so many others had made him cognizant of it. Like the appraisals Zepile had given them, something wasn’t as it seemed, and despite right or wrong, Gon wanted to find out what. Being around anyone but Killua… wasn’t getting him anywhere.

The only problem was that he didn’t know if that was for selfish or unselfish reasons…

* * *

  **~ o=O=o ~**

* * *

Killua is aware of the horde of Needlemen the moment he’s conscious, sensing Gon’s aura in the center – beside that of his older brother. He doesn’t even need to think.

He staggers upright, clawing at the sand with his hands and feet. His focus never falters. A vacantness has consumed his gaze, the words _kill kill kill_ having taken over his mind. He activates Godspeed, the last thought in his mind before he blacked out, igniting with blue and white light; his nails sharpen.

Illumi hardly recognizes his brother’s bloodlust as Killua lays waste to the Needlemen. Rather than an assassin hungry for the next delectable meal, he’s reminded of a parent – no, someone protecting the last thing they have left.

 _Impossible,_ he seethes, jumping back from the chaos just in time.

Most are so sluggish that they hardly have time to react to Illumi’s command of _Stop him!_ , reduced to a limp bloodied doll of a person on the ground. Killua shreds through Illumi’s minions, one after the other, without hesitation or thought. With Godspeed’s power, he can take out ten in four seconds or less. Any that move are effortlessly stopped, Killua’s sharp fingers driving between joints and tendons to tear off any limb that might hinder him in the process of extracting the brain or heart. Muscle and bone fly through the air, clean and fast and bright crimson as if pulled from the exoskeleton of a cooked lobster. The smell is terrible. Once he's done with them, their bodies fall, elegantly, twitching in a kind of performative dance toward death. Once he's left them, forgotten, only a pile of human flesh remains, sometimes in pieces, sometimes not. Sometimes anguish is left, frozen in those lolling eyes, sometimes they hold no emotion at all – except, perhaps, blissful liberation.

Gon watches him in horror as blood rains down on the earth, staining the beach of white sand red. He screams Killua’s name over and over until his voice is hoarse, but there’s no hope in reaching him. Freed from the hands that had held him, Gon can no longer comprehend what he’s seeing: his best friend massacre innocent people before his very eyes, no less brutally than the monsters of their past. People who have nothing to do with them and are just obeying orders. He’s killing them all.

Gon covers his ears to block out their cries, but it isn’t enough. He can’t stop watching his eyes – those eyes that show none of the laughter or joy Gon knows as his best friend. Now they are only eyes full of an empty darkness, face devoid of anything else. He hates it – he can’t look anymore – yet he can’t tear his eyes away.

 _This is Killua,_ he can almost hear Illumi saying, watching from afar. _This is who your beloved “best friend” is._ Gon trembles in fear.

This is Hell. The cries of the Needlemen might as well be the cries of the damned, and the grim reaper stands tall once they’ve finally fallen, collapsing on the ground with a sploosh of their own blood. He’s covered in blood, too – white hair and pale skin hardly visible beneath it all. Concordantly, Gon feels like he’s taking a sticky bath, hands still pasted to his ears, unseeing, not breathing.

When Killua looks at him… he feels the weight of everything he just witnessed crashing down. Harder than any blow an enemy could ever leave.

_This is what I am._

Killua’s eyes don’t linger for long, for then he collapses himself, onto his hands and knees, head hanging as Illumi draws near – and Gon feels something he never has before:

Pity for his best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original Author's Note: Ladjflakds i Almost forgot to write an author’s note at the end of this chapter because of how intense it was. Well. Merry Christmas/happy holidays! Here’s a very intense chapter. Sorry for not updating last month, things got really busy, aaaahg. I'm hoping to also write a KilluGon one-shot set sometime after or during TIDU in the coming weeks, so please look out for it!
> 
> Ahem, okay, serious talk now. This chapter was meant to serve as a parallel to chapter 1, bringing the story full-circle and yet not exactly. (Some have argued HxH itself has currently done the same thing, but anyway –) I will now be moving into “season 2” of the fic. Hopefully I don’t mess it up, haha~ *sits in the “What Have I Done?”/“Thinker” pose for a few days*
> 
> Also, I planned my last two chapters a bit more than those preceding, but in general I come up with a motive for my chapters a day or two beforehand – or the day of – and write a chapter going off of that and it just becomes… something, along the way. It’s just how I roll. (I’ve edited each of these chapters at least 10 times.) Hope you like this bloody present from me to you! (I didn’t mean to sound British with that statement.) See you in 2018, and don’t forget to leave your thoughts below!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, AO3 readers! I just wanted to thank you all for your continued interest in this story even if I neglect posting chapters, and greatly neglect my AO3 in general, oops. ^_^"
> 
> As always I hope you'll check out the [full story](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12361223/10/Things-I-Don-t-Understand) on FFN!


End file.
